New Program for Men Starts Next Week -- Here's what women need to know
Published: Thu, 04/21/22
I equip people to serve God and others in a way that is both fruitful and sustainable. I do this through teaching, writing, and coaching. This newsletter is part of that work.
April 21, 2022
1. Personal Update
2. FEATURE ARTICLE -- New Program for Men Starts Next Week -- Here's what women need to know
3. Article of Interest -- The Data are Clear: Boys Are Not All Right
4. Quote of the Week
1. Personal Update
This week I'm living in the afterglow of our Easter celebrations, and I'm hard at work with the preparation of the Renewed Man boot camp. We launch next week! There's still space for you to join.
You'll find information about that below.
2. FEATURE ARTICLE: New Program for Men Starts Next Week -- Here's what women need to know
CONTENTS OF THIS ARTICLE:
Why am I doing this?
Who is this program for?
How will men be helped in this program?
What do women need to know?
The pilot group for the Renewed Man Boot Camp starts next week: on Monday, April 25. The boot camp is a 12 week program for men to help them learn better ways to control and focus their sex drive in a world filled with sensuality, provocative television
and social media, and pornography.
I want to be clear about one thing: this program is for men anywhere on the spectrum of sexual struggle ... it is NOT just for sex addicts. It will address a variety of issues in a man's life, not only sex. It's just that, because of how men are wired, and because of how we're being inundated with provocative material today, men need to get this
area of their lives dialed in.
1. WHY AM I DOING THIS?
After working full-time in the sex addiction and recovery field for five years, I felt called to re-enter pastoral ministry in 2011. Since then, I've kept my website and newsletters going, and have continued to get contacts from men asking for help.
Things changed for me, as a result of what has happened during the COVID pandemic, and some teaching events I did in Thailand and the US. I've come to see how pervasive the struggle has become around the world: so many people are
(a) struggling to deal with all the temptations of sensuality that are being pushed at us, and/or:
(b) struggling with dissatisfaction and discouragement about their own sexual intimacy with their spouse.
2. WHO IS THIS PROGRAM FOR?
All men exist somewhere on the spectrum of sexual self-mastery, or self-control. Some find it easy to control their sexual urges -- or maybe they've found a way that works for them to keep a tight reign on them. Others struggle. Some struggle a lot. And some have struggled so deeply, and for so long, that they have lost control altogether.
The Renewed Man program is for men who could be anywhere on this spectrum ... but they're not satisfied with this, and want to move the needle towards more health and self-control.
3. HOW WILL MEN BE HELPED BY THIS PROGRAM?
The program offers teaching that helps men stop feeling ashamed of their sexual desires, but instead learn to focus and channel them in healthy ways. It combines daily teaching (small, actionable insights) with support from a small group of guys, and group coaching. You can learn more here.
4. WHAT DO WOMEN NEED TO KNOW?
If you have men in your life, the best thing you can do is to educate yourself about the struggle men have with their sexuality. Today's world is filled with messages and enticements that hack the brain patterns of both sexes -- but especially men -- and steer them towards artificial sexual arousal and experiences.
I would suggest you start by reading this article on Crosswalk.com. It's a great overview. Here's an excerpt -- from the opening paragraphs:
It’s difficult to turn on the television or browse through social media today and not feel discouraged or overwhelmed by the surge of sexuality overwhelming our society. We are living in a culture that, as R. Kent Hughes writes in Disciplines of a Godly Man, “sweats sensuality from its pores.”
So much of what has been written about lust, sexual sin, and pornography is directed towards men, and don’t get me wrong, men have a serious battle to fight when it comes to overcoming sexual sin in their lives.
Lust is their Kryptonite, and as Hughes writes, “sensuality is easily the biggest obstacle to godliness among men today and it is wreaking havoc in the church.”
Let me put in bullet points the things that women need to keep in mind -- from the article, and my own observation and experience:
Women need to understand the danger that pornography and other forms of artificial sex presents to their intimate relationship. Pornography rewires the brain to be turned on by artificial sex, and become less responsive and interested in real, actual sex.
Women need to understand that their partner's interest in porn is not the result of their own unattractiveness or undesirability. Porn is like cigarette smoking ... it is VERY, VERY addictive to any user. It doesn't matter what their spouse is like, or how attractive they are. What matters is now porn hijacks the brain chemistry of its users.
Women need to understand that the male brain is hard wired to seek novelty in sex. What makes men human, healthy, and godly, is that other desires for love and attachment cause them to override their animalistic urges and become devoted to their partner and children. But make no mistake, those animalistic urges are there, and today's market of artificial sex exploits them.
Women need to understand that, no matter how much a man loves and desires his wife, he will still notice and be attracted to other sexually desirable women. For all of human history, this tension was manageable for the vast majority of men, because they had few opportunities to have sexual gratification from someone other than their partner. But the widespread availability of pornography has changed the game entirely, because it offers men the
opportunity to engage in sexual stimulation and gratification without the risks and challenges that are involved in attracting a woman in real life. Not only is the stimulation and gratification available ... it's available 24/7 ... and a computer, TV, or phone ... for free.
Women need to understand that they can't be their husband's accountability partner in this struggle. It turns them into mothers, policewomen, and private detectives, as they take it upon themselves to try to keep their husband away from porn. The men in their lives need support and accountability from OTHER like-minded people. Wives are the beneficiaries of their husbands' restored sexual health ... not the facilitators of it.
Women need to understand that struggles with pornography and artificial sex exist on a spectrum (as outlined in the graphic above). Some men don't struggle very much at all with these issues. Others are highly addicted and out of control, eventually destroying marriages, families, and careers. Most men are somewhere in between.
BUT NOTE THIS: Where men exist on this spectrum -- from sexual self mastery / control to sexual addiction / slavery -- changes over time. They are either moving towards self-mastery or towards slavery. And because of how sexually obsessed and provocative our society is, the general tendency is for men to drift away from
health and self-control.
3. Article of Interest -- The Data are Clear: Boys Are Not All Right
This is an interesting article from Andrew Yang (yes the former presidential candidate). He's got some valid points, and shares links to
data to back it up. In spite of people in some quarters talking about the problems with our "patriarchy," the data are actually showing that today's men -- especially young women -- are the ones who are really struggling.
Part of what drives me to create the Renewed Man program is my sense of the need for more clarity about what constitutes healthy masculinity in today's world, and support for men in their expression of it. As Yang says in the article, "On a cultural level, we must stop defining masculinity as necessarily toxic and start promoting positive masculinity." Amen.
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