“The attempt to avoid legitimate suffering lies at the root of all emotional illness.”
– M. Scott Peck

One core insight in my own journey of recovery and spiritual renewal over the past two decades has been this: It’s essential to acknowledge and deal with our emotions. Denying them — telling yourself “I shouldn’t feel that” — or trying to ignore or “stuff” them is a recipe for depression, hidden resentment, spiritual bypassing, and burnout. 

Essential to my growth as a person, a husband and father, and leader has been developing a deeper awareness of what is happening in my heart — the ability to understand, and willingness to deal with what I’m feeling — instead of ignoring it, or trying to make myself feel something else.

I lead a community of men -- the Renewed Man Community -- who are seeking to: (a) grow intimacy with their partners, (b) grow their capacity to deal with stress and anxiety, (c) move through disillusionment to authentic spirituality, and (d) live with sexual self-mastery and integrity in an out-of-control world. 

One of the 12 keys we talk about in this community is "Emotional Awareness." In our 12 Keys Commitment statement, we put it like this: 

We understand and deal with our emotions and internal needs. We don't live at the mercy of our emotions, but neither do we ignore, or try to suppress them.

That last part of the statement has taken a long time for me to learn: "We don't live at the mercy of our emotions, but neither do we ignore or try to suppress them." 

Men are stereotyped as being emotionally clueless, and it's true that many of us struggle to understand and articulate what's happening inside us. But let's be clear: the struggle is also felt by many women too. And sometimes our hesitation to dive deep into our emotional life comes from a concern that we don't want to go too far with it ... to be consumed by our emotions ... to live at the whims of how we're feeling. 

In our groups we sometimes offer this reminder, or reassurance: "We can be emotionally aware without being emotional." Emotional awareness doesn't make us slave to our emotions, it actually sets us free.

In the past few years, I’ve come to view emotions with an important nuance. While still valuing them, and finding it important to deal with them, I have come to recognize how fleeting they are. They are like waves that wash over the shore, and then dissipate, only to be followed up by another, different, wave. Like the writer of Psalms says:

“Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5).

They are important, we must tend to them, but we are not at their mercy.

I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard people say — when struggling to come to terms with something painful — “I don’t want to think/talk about it (because) I’m afraid if I open up that door I’m going to start crying and never stop.” But doing this work — looking within and dealing with what is there — is essential for their recovery and ongoing emotional and spiritual well-being. It can be done safely and helpfully with the guidance of a skilled counselor.

The Problem of "Buffering Behaviors"

For most of us, the struggle with our emotions from day to day is more mundane. It has to do with anxiety, sadness, insecurity, shame, or fear that we don’t want to deal with. So instead, we distract ourselves with busyness and frenetic activity, or numb ourselves with chemicals or addictive behaviors. Life Coach Brooke Castillo calls these strategies "buffering behaviors" -- distractions with pleasure so we don't have to feel boredom or pain. 

When I teach about addiction, I often bring up Jesus’ teaching in the Sermon on the Mount: 

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4). 

At their core, addictive substances and behaviors are ways we try to escape from having to mourn. They work for a while, but soon start to make our lives worse instead of better. And all along, they keep us from doing the inner psychological and spiritual work we need to do. If we don’t mourn, we don’t find comfort. We find distraction, and often, addiction. The great psychologist and author M. Scott Peck made this point in the quote at the beginning of this article.

One of the skills required for spiritual well-being and self-mastery is the ability to ride the waves of our emotions, and live with a sense of inner peace, even amidst the swirls of elation, fear, anger, boredom, sadness, etc. This takes time, and part of the spiritual journey is cooperating with God to bring healing, wisdom, and inner resources to enable us to do this.

Face Them All ... Not Just the "Nice" Ones

One final point needs to be made here: If emotions do, indeed, come and go, we don't have to be so afraid of the unpleasant ones. We can face them all. And, in fact, doing so makes us so much more strong and healthy.

The celebrated Sufi poet Rumi has a poem about the importance of welcoming this variety of experiences into our lives. There’s great wisdom in this, because often these emotions have something important to teach us. Even the negative ones. Listen to what Rumi has to say:

Guest House

 

This being human is a guest house. 

Every day a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. 

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from Beyond.
– Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks)

Do you know someone who could benefit from exploring the Renewed Man community? Let me know by simply responding to this email. Groups are available now.