We need friendships, and it's hard -- especially for men -- to make and maintain them. In his book The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace, Jeff Hobbs talks about this struggle, in relationship to his friend Robert:
“The distance between us and the maleness of our friendship precluded revealing anything that truly mattered, and at the time I was too naive to know that if you were friends with
someone––truly friends––then you told him what was going on. (‘It’s called ‘catching up,’ my wife informed me when I asked how it was possible for her to yap with her girlfriends for as long as she did and share every innocuous detail of her life.) Instead, I thought that by concisely presenting the most easygoing and put-together version of myself, I was being ‘all good.’
“Really, I was just
fronting. And Rob was doing the same.”
Fronting. That’s what we’re all really good at. That’s what we’re socialized to do. Not let things get too deep and personal. Not tell people what’s really going on. By fronting, we keep all our relationships safe, we keep our distance … and ultimately, we keep ourselves isolated.
Especially in Christian settings, whenever I talk about what we need from other men to help us live with integrity, I get the same answer: ACCOUNTABILITY. We need accountability partners. Accountabil-i-buddies.
I don’t disagree … but I think that’s only part of the story. We don’t just need accountability partners … we need brothers. We don’t just a support group … we need friends.
Accountability is over-rated. If a man will lie to his wife about his behavior, he almost certainly will lie to his accountability partner or his support group. In fact, many do just that.
It’s not that accountability is bad or unhelpful … it’s just not enough. In fact, it’s not what we
need most from other people. What men need most are genuine friendships.
Pretty much every struggle in a man’s life will cause him to isolate. We don’t want to appear weak and vulnerable. So we “front,” as Jeff Hobbs put it in the quote above.
But if most struggles are hard for a man to
talk about, controlling our sex drive is especially problematic. It’s hard to talk about, because in many settings, sexuality carries with it a lot of shame. Whether overtly or subvertly, many of us have heard the message: We don’t talk about things like that here.
This is where the hard-won wisdom of people in recovery for all kinds of
addictions can be instructive for people who struggle with destructive habits. Addiction writer Susan Cheever puts it this way:
“For an adult,
connections to others are the key to a sane and happy life. It is these connections that are compromised and finally killed off by addiction. An addict replaces other people with the ‘substance’ … As connections to other people that involve give-and-take and responsibilities to loved ones take a back seat, the addict begins the hungry search for something else embodied in other people, strangers, people who are not part of the community, but rather draw him away from the community. Community
heals us; addiction destroys us.”
In the Renewed Man Boot Camp, we encourage men to participate in support groups. But we recognize that, while they are great places, these groups are not the only places we can develop meaningful friendships. Supportive friendships can come from anywhere.
But here is the key: each of us needs to develop a network of friends who know the whole truth about us — including the truth of our sexual struggles. We need people who are completely safe, friends we don’t have to censor anything from.
I put it this way for men:
Find five guys. Five guys that you
enjoy, that you "click" with, that can help support you on the journey to becoming a Renewed Man. These five guys must:
- Know the truth about you -- including what you struggle
with
- Support you in that struggle -- they don't have the share the
same struggle you have, but they at least need to understand and have compassion for it
- Are fun to be with -- people you actually enjoy being
around
(I don't know what it's like for women, I suspect this same commitment would be helpful for them too.)
This brings up another important point that needs to be shared: If you are in some kind of support group -- whether it's in the Renewed Man program, or some church, or 12 Step recovery group --
not everybody in that group is going to be one of those "five" ... and it's also possible (likely?) that one or more of the "five" may be people NOT in that group. In other words: not everyone in your support group will someone you want as your friend. People can share your struggle and your commitment to recovery, and still be jerks. Or at least they might be fine people, but not really have much in common with you. But some will be cool.
Some will be guys you “click with.” Focus on them.
And you might have other friends or family members who are not in a support group with you, but you are still close with them, they are "safe" (you can share your struggles with them without feeling judged or condescended to), and they're committed to helping you grow. Focus on them.
Having this kind of a cohort will
change everything for your self-mastery, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, and for your life.
Addictions will starve your friendships … but I truly believe that friendships will also starve your addictions.
NOTE: This article is adapted from material
that is used in the Renewed Man Boot Camp. You can find out more about this program here: https://renewedman.me/boot-camp
