Today's message comes from the Renewed Man Boot Camp. Renewed Man is a systematic teaching and coaching series designed to help men grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually ... developing the essential character quality of "self-mastery." Even though this community is created for men, the principles are universal -- women will
benefit from these insights as well.
We build this teaching around 12 Keys, and this week, we're focusing on Key 9:
Healthy Intimacy. Here's how we put it:
9. Healthy Intimacy - We are developing a healthy,
intimate relationship with our partner. If single, we are working to get our needs for friendship and support met, and to be ready for a healthy relationship if the right person comes into our lives. We work on ourselves, striving to be the kind of man who attracts and sustains the interest, love, and commitment of a great woman.
Here's one of the daily messages from this week's teaching series. I hope this will help you:
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One key ingredient for being a Renewed Man is to have a healthy relationship with
your partner. If you are single, you need to build close and supportive relationships with people around you, and the following principles will help you with that as well.
After interviewing a number of Marriage and Family Therapists, journalist Kelsey Borresen compiled the following list of things that happy couples do different than unhappy, or divorced couples. In fact, she took their insights and created a list of seven key habits. Think about your own relationship as you
read through this list.
1. Multi-dimensional Honesty - The first habit is "speaking their minds," where partners are truthful and open with each other. But honesty is multi-dimensional. For healthy couples, it includes not simply refraining from obvious lies, but also being honest about their feelings, needs, and desires.
2. Being Vulnerable and Going Deep - The second habit is "going beyond the surface level"
in communication, where partners are willing to share their emotions and be vulnerable with each other. This helps to build trust and deepen the connection between partners.
3. Compassionate Communication - The third habit is "giving each other the benefit of the doubt," where partners actively listen to each other and express themselves in a non-judgmental way. This includes being able to express their feelings and needs without attacking each other.
It's easy to make assumptions and take offense to things your partner says if and when you are in a bad place emotionally, or if the relationship has been dominated by conflict. But people in relationships that succeed find ways of clarifying these comments and misconceptions.
4. Pursuing Hobbies and Interests - The fourth habit is "blending spending quality time together with giving space for their partners to do their own thing." Especially early in a
relationship, partners love spending LOTS and LOTS of time together and engaging in shared activities. This helps to build intimacy and connection. But as time goes on in the relationship, partners also recognize the need for each to have their own interests and activities.
5. Showing Affection - The fifth habit is "physical touch," where partners show affection through hugging, kissing, and other physical gestures. This helps to build intimacy and
connection. This is not simply about sexual connection, it is often expressed in "little things" -- brief touches, hugs, etc. -- throughout the day.
6. Fighting Fairly - The sixth habit is to "disagree/argue without being hurtful." Even the happiest couples are bound to disagree now and then. When conflict arises, they know how to hash things out without resorting to low blows, name-calling or dredging up past hurts. (My edit: although the article
doesn't talk about this, my strong feeling is that if and when couples get into a pattern where they find it difficult / impossible to have conflict without being unkind, and/or if couples keep having the same fights over and over ... they need outside help. That's when they need to schedule time with a marriage therapist to help them process the conflict in a healthy way.)
7. Builder's Mindset - The seventh habit is "to set high expectations for the
quality of the relationship, and keep working over time to reach this shared goal." One therapist put it this way:
"Happy partners patiently and persistently drive at that elevated relationship, crafting their skills as partners in the relationship with every bit as much devotion as they give to developing themselves in their careers. They each expect to work at building the couple and know that they will each be tolerating emotional discomfort at times while doing
so.”
(Source: Kelsey Borreson. To read the original article, go here.)
NEXT ACTION
Today's action step is to look again at the list in this article, and identify one or two things you think you and your partner could do better. If you are single, look over the list and think about which
item(s) on the list you think would be hard for you. Once you have identified the item(s) you think needs work, then do two -- and possibly three -- things:
1. Pray about this issue ...
ask for God's help to do better as a couple.
2. Ask yourself this question: Regardless of what my spouse does or does not do, what can I do to improve this aspect of our relationship?
3. (Optional) If you think it would be helpful, show this article to your spouse, and talk together about your observations about what's going well or not well.
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Would you like to go "all in" and join the Renewed Man Boot Camp? It's a 12 Week Immersion in these
principles. You'll get these daily teachings, a weekly video on one of the 12 Keys of Being a Renewed Man, and access to a support group and/or a coaching group that I lead.
Find out more about the Renewed Man Program
here.
