1. Feature Article: "The Habit That Builds Willpower"
Today's article comes from the Renewed Man Boot Camp. Renewed Man is a systematic teaching and coaching series designed to help men grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually ... developing the essential character quality of "self-mastery." Even though this community is created for men, the principles are universal --
women will benefit from these insights as well.
We build this teaching around 12 Keys, and this week, we're focusing on Key 3:
COMMUNITY. Here's how we put it:
3. COMMUNITY - We are
taking steps to end our isolation and develop healthy community. We cultivate a handful of friends who (a) know the truth about us, (b) are positive, fun, and supportive, and (c) help us on this journey. No man builds a great life without the help and support of other men.
Here's one of the daily messages from this week's teaching series. It focuses more narrowly on a particular
habit that I recommend people add to their environment. I hope this will help you:
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Having healthy community means having good relationships with (reasonably) healthy
people. If we are surrounding ourselves with toxic people, we will struggle.
In her book “Set Smart Boundaries” Devi Sunny has a great section where she gives lists of problem people to watch out for. As we seek to build good strong relationships, we also should be aware that not everyone is going to be helpful for us to
invest time in relationship with.
She notes that “Science of People” -- which has a great website, with lots of informative articles -- lists
seven types of toxic people, and ways to spot them. As you read through this list, notice if anything -- or anyONE -- jumps out at you right away:
1. Conversational Narcissist - Those who won’t let others speak and enjoy talking only about themselves. They love to hear themselves talk. They won’t be attentive to your needs, because they’re
self-absorbed.
2. Straight Jacket - The ones
who want to control everything and everyone around them. They will go to extremes to prove their point right. They freak out when people disagree with or contradict them. They will tend to nag their partners and friends to try to bring them into alignment with what they think the person should be / do.
3. Emotional Moocher - Spiritual vampires who suck positivity out of you, leaving you emotionally dry. They always have something sad, negative, or pessimistic to say, and tend to bring others down
with them.
4. Drama Magnet - People who
always come up with a problem, and seek out your empathy or sympathy. They don’t look for your advice or solutions, they just want your attention and validation as they complain. Something is always wrong. They are magnets for crisis, adversity, and victimization.
5. The JJ -- Jealous-Judgemental -- Person - These people can’t be happy for anyone around them. This is because -- deep down -- they hate themselves, and externalize that by being jealous, judgmental, and critical of others. They talk behind peoples’ backs and can’t be
trusted.
6. The Liars - Deceivers who are
difficult to trust. Their dishonesty drains us as we learn to doubt their words. They exaggerate, tell little fibs, and/or tell outright lies.
7. The
Tanks - These people think they’re always right, and don’t take any one else’s ideas or feelings into account, and wind up crushing everyone in their wake. They are arrogant, think they’re the smartest person in every room, and will not consider any ideas but theirs as facts. They rarely see others as equals, and conversation is a challenge to win the person
over.
Warning Signs
That a Person is Toxic
With all that said in the list above, how do you proceed? What do you look for? Here are some things to notice:
How do you feel when you spend time with them? Do you dread being with them? After you’ve hung out, do you feel drained? Do you sense that they don’t respect your opinions? Do they make you feel bad
about yourself in any way?
Do you feel:
- You have to constantly save this person and fix their problems?
- You are covering up or hiding for them?
- Dread when you are getting ready to see
them?
- Drained after being with them?
- Angry, sad or depressed when you are around them?
- That they cause you to gossip or be mean?
- That you have to impress them?
- That you’re affected by their drama or problems?
- They ignore your needs and don’t hear ‘no’?
If so … watch out. These are likely toxic people to be around. Do what you can to limit your involvement in these peoples' lives.
SOURCE: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/toxic-people/
NEXT ACTION
Today's action step is to evaluate your circle of friends. It's possible that some of us are struggling with friendships because the people
we are seeking to build friendships with are unhealthy and destructive for us. Maybe it's time to put the focus of "friendship building" elsewhere. What do you think? Are there people who come to mind in this category?
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Would you like to go "all in" and join the Renewed Man Boot Camp? It's a 12 Week Immersion in these principles. You'll get these daily teachings, a
weekly video on one of the 12 Keys of Being a Renewed Man, and access to a support group and/or a coaching group that I lead.
Find out more about the Renewed Man Program here.
