1. Feature Article: "The Four Horsemen of Marriage
Apocalypse"
Today's article comes from the Renewed Man Boot Camp. Renewed Man is a systematic teaching and coaching series designed to help men grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually ... developing the essential character quality of "self-mastery." Even though this community is created for men, the principles
are universal -- women will benefit from these insights as well.
We build this teaching around 12 Keys, and this week, we're focusing on Key 9:
HEALTHY INTIMACY. Here's how we put it:
9. HEALTHY INTIMACY - We are developing a healthy,
intimate relationship with our partner. If single, we are working to get our needs for friendship and support met, and to be ready for a healthy relationship if the right person comes into our lives. We work on ourselves, striving to be the kind of man who attracts and sustains the interest, love, and commitment of a great woman.
Here's one of the daily messages from this week's teaching series. I hope this will help you:
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How can you tell if your relationship is in trouble? Marriage counselors and researchers have been studying and writing about this for a long time. It's no longer a
mystery. Therapists know that if the things talked about in this article are going on, the relationship is likely to end.
In fact, according to research from Dr. John Gottman, one of today's leading marriage experts, the following four signs that can predict if a couple is likely to break up with over 90% accuracy.
The good news? There are ways to address these issues head on.
Here are "Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse":
1. Toxic
Criticism
Criticizing your partner is different than offering a request for change, or voicing a complaint. Requests and complaints are about specific issues, whereas criticism involves attacking the person -- either overtly attacking them, or more subtly casting doubt on their character or personal attributes. In effect, you are dismantling their being when you
criticize.
It's important to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing:
Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.” (Note that it focuses on the specifics of the
behavior, not on the character or intent of the other person.)
Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!” (Note that it makes general and negative judgements about the person, rather than focusing on the specific
behavior.)
The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, deadlier horsemen to follow. It makes the victim feel attacked, rejected, and hurt, which leads to them either shutting down or counter-attacking. These often become an escalating -- and increasingly destructive -- pattern.
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, but when relationships are on the rocks, this horseman is nearly omnipresent. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.
Unfortunately, this strategy almost
never works. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight, like you promised this morning?”
Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
This partner not only responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. Instead, a non-defensive
response would express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective:
“Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”
Although it is
perfectly understandable to defend yourself if you’re stressed out and feeling attacked, as stated before, this approach will NOT have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict if the critical spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner, and it won’t allow for healthy conflict management.
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is one or both partners shutting down when feeling overwhelmed during
conflict. In a discussion or argument, one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.
Granted, if a conversation is degenerating into an argument, it can be helpful to take a break. Let yourselves cool off, and rethink what you and your partner are saying. But don't let this "break" last more than a day.
Continually saying "Let's not talk about this right now," is another form of stonewalling.
4. Contempt
Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a
relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological.
Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”
Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more
conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.
In Dr. Gottman’s four decades of research, he has found contempt to be the number one predictor of divorce. According to Malcolm Gladwell in his bestselling book, Blink:
“If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.”
Sources: This article comes from articles on John Gottman's website, as well as a profile of Gottman and other marriage counselors.
NEXT ACTION
Today's action step is to do two things:
(1) Reflect on the list of "4
Horsemen" in marriages. Do you see signs of these in your relationship? If so, do you need to get help?
(2) Make a list of things you can do to work through problems in a
relationship. You probably have some good ideas in your mind already that you KNOW would help. What can you do -- starting today -- to make your marriage better?
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Would you like to go "all in" and join the Renewed Man Boot Camp? It's a 12 Week Immersion in these principles. You'll get these daily teachings, a weekly video on one of the 12 Keys of Being a Renewed
Man, and access to a support group and/or a coaching group that I lead.
Find out more about the Renewed Man Program here.
