Passion and commitment are widely believed to be the foundation of strong romantic relationships.
But a
relationship is made of two unique individuals, and the personality traits these individuals possess -- or lack -- can make a huge difference. They can make or break the relationship.
In a 2019 study, social science researchers Toni Antonucci, Kristine J. Ajrouch, Noah J. Webster identified a single trait that was a significant predictor of successful relationships.
Can you guess what that trait might be? What qualities are important for people to have, if they're going to have a successful marriage?
Antonucci, Ajrouch,
and Webster identified this trait in particular:
** humility **
An Honest View of Shortcomings
First, let's get clear about what we're talking about when we talk about "humility." Humility is sometimes confused with low self-esteem, low confidence, or meekness. It can sometimes -- but not always -- present that way, but there's something deeper going on.
Researchers like the ones leading this study have come to realize that being humble generally indicates something quite different than insecurity or a low estimate of oneself. Rather, it indicates a more honest and mature view of oneself. As Antonucci, Ajrouch, and Webster put it in their report, humility "means you have the ability to accurately assess your deficiencies without
denying your skills and strengths."
For example, you might recognize that you’re smart, but realize it would be absurd to call yourself all-knowing – especially when the scope of human knowledge is so vast. This is an honest and sober view of your
shortcomings. As the philosopher Jason Baehr has argued:
“To be humble is to be attentive to and disposed to ‘own’ one’s limitations, weaknesses, and mistakes. A humble person does not ignore, avoid, or try to deny her limits or deficiencies.”
If you’re humble, you lack a host of negative qualities, such as arrogance and overconfidence. This makes you not only more likeable, it makes you much more likely to successfully navigate disagreements in a long term relationship. Being humble means you can acknowledge mistakes, see value in things that are riddled with imperfections, and identify
areas for improvement.
Once again: Humility is NOT insecurity.
In fact, in some ways it might be thought of as the opposite of insecurity. Things like vanity, boasting, and narcissism might SEEM to be evidence of high self-esteem ... but usually the opposite is true. Deep insecurity often makes people brittle and self-absorbed, and they try to hide this behind a front of apparent arrogance.
In contrast, humility can peacefully coexist with healthy high self esteem. You can feel confident about what you know, and what you are good at; while also being aware of your flaws, limitations, and blind spots. Those are qualities that make long term relationships work.
(Source: This article was adapted from an article by researchers Toni Antonucci, Kristine J. Ajrouch, Noah J. Webster)
NEXT
ACTION
Today's recovery action is to reflect on the role of humility in your life, and your relationship. Just to keep things clear, write down what you think humility means in a marriage relationship, and how it's different than insecurity. If it's hard for you to be clear about that distinction, google the phrase "humility vs insecurity" and read an article or two
that looks helpful. Now ask the question: "Do I manifest this quality of HUMILITY in my relationships?" What would it look like if I did, or did it more? Is this an issue I need to work on?
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Would you like to go "all in" and join the Renewed Man Boot Camp? It's a 12 Week Immersion in these principles. You'll get these daily teachings, a weekly video on one of the 12 Keys of Being a Renewed Man, and access to a support group and/or a coaching group that I lead.
Find out more about the Renewed Man Program here.
