1. Feature Article: "Are You Still Struggling? This is Probably
Why"
Today's article comes from the Renewed Man Boot Camp. Renewed Man is a systematic teaching and coaching series designed to help men grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually ... developing the essential character quality of "self-mastery." Even though this community is created for men, the principles
are universal -- women will benefit from these insights as well.
We build this teaching around 12 Keys, and this week we focus on the sixth key. Here's
how we state it:
6. PEACE WITH OUR PAST - We recognize the power of early life
trauma and deprivation, and we take steps to come to terms with our wounds. We can’t fix deep habits or compulsions without getting below the surface and dealing with what drives them.
Here's one of the daily messages from this week's teaching series. I hope this will help you:
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“When our skills of self-regulation are well learned during childhood, they feel as if they come naturally, as if we always had them. When they are not well learned, we may reach to sources outside of ourselves to provide the sense of calm and good feeling that we cannot achieve on our own, or to recreate that sense of calm that we remember having as a small child.” – Dr. Tian Dayton
Here’s an important question about sexual struggles
that people don’t often get clarity about: Why do I keep failing to keep my resolve to stop this behavior? In other words, why is this area of struggle in my life different from so many others? Why do I keep falling back into the behavior I resolved to
stop?
This Renewed Man program offers help at a variety of levels for people dealing with this dilemma. Just think about the keys we’ve looked at already in this program:
- Key 1 – Daily Connection to Commitment – many people struggle because
they’ve not established a habit that helps them reconnect to their values and commitments EVERY DAY.
- Key 2 – Environment – many people struggle because they’re trying to live with purity in an environment filled with distractions and temptations, and they’re setting themselves up to fail.
- Key 3 – Community (overcoming isolation) – many people struggle because they need more outside support and accountability, and they’ve never developed deep enough relationships with others who could help
them
- Key 4 – Redirected Desire / Transmutation – many people struggle because they haven’t learned how to channel their sexual urges into energy that they can then refocus on other interests and tasks.
- Key 5 – Emotional Awareness – many people struggle because they aren’t aware of, and therefore aren’t dealing with, snowballing negative emotions, and wind up turning to unhealthy and destructive habits in order to buffer themselves from these
feelings.
This week we’re introducing another huge issue for many people. In fact, it’s possible that for you, this might be THE most important issue. It is certainly the core
issue for people whose struggle becomes a full-blown addiction. Put simply, the issue is this:
Unresolved Issues from Our Past
If a person has unresolved trauma and hurts from their upbringing, he or she will struggle to maintain healthy resolves around something as powerful and easily accessible as artificial sex (via porn or other
forms). Whenever challenges in his life trigger those old wounds, he will reach for something to soothe or distract him … and that “something” will often be pornography or other forms of artificial sex.
Let's be clear: "struggle" or "addiction" runs on a spectrum of severity. Many people people who struggle with sexual temptations are able to develop self-mastery in this area simply with clarity, commitment, support from other people, and the basic behavioral strategies we outline in this program. Once they commit,
once they get clear about their resolve, and maybe even let some friends know about the struggle, so they can periodically check in ... they're good to go. Problem solved.
This
works for some people. But not everyone.
For some people, the roots go deep. It's not simply a "little, occasional struggle," it's an addiction. And its roots go way
back to their early years. They need to look in their hearts and reflect on their history in order to understand why they can’t “just stop.”
They can’t “just stop” because they're using artificial sex
as a coping strategy. The experience of looking at porn and masturbating activates high levels of dopamine, and then a flood of endorphins after orgasm, and they have come to depend on these brain chemicals to help them deal with pain and stress that they began experiencing at a young age.
As they were growing up, they turned to sexual behavior as a way to deal with trauma
that was too much to bear. And now, in spite of their resolve to stop, they keep doing it.
NEXT ACTION
Today’s action step is to get honest with yourself about how the content of this week might help you. Write down your answers to these questions:
1) How long have you been battling against recurring sexual temptations / struggles? What have you all done in your attempts to overcome this? (ie. prayer, reading books, seminars, counseling, support groups, internet filters, accountability partners, etc.).Being honest about this with yourself will help you discern how pernicious this problem is for
you.
2) Have you wondered in the past if some of your pain and struggle as an adult (ie. things like depression, anxiety, insecurity, anger) might have their roots in things
that happened as you were growing up? Whether it’s sex or something else, have you been dealing with things that seem to have deeper roots for you, and you can’t just “get over?”
Regardless of how you
answer these questions, the teaching of this week will help you. And you might also find that it could be THE key you need to overcome your struggles.
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Would you like to go "all in" and join the Renewed Man Boot Camp? It's a 12 Week Immersion in these principles. You'll get these daily teachings, a weekly video on one of the 12 Keys of Being a Renewed Man, and access to a support
group and/or a coaching group that I lead.
Find out more about the Renewed Man Program here.
