“I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street.” – Virginia Woolf
Virginia Woolf is onto something here. It’s sad but true: Many of the friendships we lose over the years are simply the result of our inattention and lack of caring.
Now, it’s
easy to read something like this and let it get us down on ourselves. We’re not going to maintain close friendships with everybody. As we talked about in other segments of this Renewed Man program, some “friendships” are not helpful for us, because these friends drag us down, rather than build us up. It might be a good thing to let some relationships slide … as long as we’re also making the effort to build and maintain relationships with good, worthy, helpful, and supportive
friends. Who are they?
This may be the most important question you’ve got to answer in this journey: Who are the handful of friends that you want to surround yourself with? Who are those people who are worth investing time
and energy into?
During this week three of the Boot Camp, I issue this challenge, and it’s worth looking at again and again:
Find five guys. Five guys that you enjoy, that you “click” with, that can help support you on the journey to becoming a Renewed Man. These five guys must:
- Know the truth about you — including what you struggle with
- Support you in that struggle — they don’t have the share the same struggle you have, but they at least need to understand and have
compassion for it
- Are fun to be with — people you actually enjoy being around
"But," you say, "I'm already in a support group ... and there's more than five people in it. Does this mean my work here
is done?"
NO. If you are in some kind of support group — whether it’s in the Renewed Man program, or some church or 12 Step recovery group — not everybody in that group is going to be one of those “five.” It’s also
possible (likely?) that one or more of the “five” may be people NOT in that group.
In other words: not everyone in your support group is someone you want as your friend. Let's be honest -- there are probably people in your support group that you
don't even like! That's normal.
People can share your struggle and your commitment to recovery, and still be jerks. Or at least they might be fine people, but not really have much in common with you. But some will be cool. Some will be guys
you “click with.” Focus on them.
And you might have other friends or family members who are not in a support group with you, but you are still close with them, they are “safe” (ie. you can share your struggles with them without feeling judged or
condescended to), and they’re committed to helping you grow. Focus on them.
Having this kind of a cohort will change everything for your self-mastery, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, and your life.
My mentor Mark Laaser used to challenge men in our workshops with the things I'm writing about here -- but he would tell men to cultivate a group of 10 guys. 10 guys would be great, but I don't see it happening. In fact, in all my years working with men in recovery (and now
working with the "general population" of men in churches) I don't think I've EVER seen it happen that a man cultivates a group of 10 close friends. Small groups of 10, yes, but a CLOSE group of 10 friends? No. Most men are lucky to have one or two. And their life would change if they could grow that list to five.
Friendships like these are among the most important things in your life. Value them.
