I realize this title might seem a little provocative. Some people don't like hearing that anything is harder for one gender than the other. Some people react against "gender generalities" altogether.
Please understand: When I say that men have a harder time with addiction, I'm not implying that women have it easy. It's just that there's an important story here that needs to be told. Since I work with men, I have seen the challenges they face firsthand. Let's start with the numbers:
- Research shows that men are more likely than women to use, become addicted to, and overdose on drugs (source).
- Men are vastly more likely to be in treatment for substance use disorders. Depending on the year measured, the gender breakdown of people in treatment ranges from 60 - 70% male (source).
- When it comes to sex addiction, recent estimates are that around two thirds of sex addicts are male, and four-fifths of those seeking treatment are male (source).
Why is this? Why are men having such a hard time with addiction?
I'm not a social scientist, and this is not the place to give a comprehensive answer to this question. But I CAN share what I think is one of major reasons for the problem (and in my view THE MOST important issue). This is something I've observed in the men I work with -- both as a pastor, and as a coach of couples and men in recovery.
Here's why men are more likely to get addicted, and have a harder time in recovery: Most men deal with social isolation, and for many, this isolation is extreme.
Most men don't have close friends that they can confide in -- or get support for -- deeply personal struggles. Being more socially disengaged causes men to struggle mentally and emotionally ... which in turn makes them more vulnerable to addiction and various compulsive behaviors.
But as has already been said, it gets worse: Once addicted, social isolation makes it harder for men to recover from these addictions and compulsions.
Humans need community. We need to be part of a healthy tribe … this is baked into our biology. Believe it or
not, our neurochemistry actually changes based on our standing in our social group. As Christians we believe that we are made “in the image of God.” One aspect of that image is our deep need to connect. To know and be known.
And MANY men
are really struggling with this. In a recent article about male loneliness, Max Dickins writes this:
In 2021, the Survey Center on American Life identified a male ‘friendship recession’: since 1990, the number of men reporting that
they have no close friends has jumped from 3% to 15%. In the UK, a 2018 study by the male mental health charity the Movember Foundation suggested things are even worse: one in three men asked could not name a
single close friend. These sorts of stats are not outliers either: for decades social scientists have found that men generally have fewer friends — and especially fewer close friends — than women.
My Own
Experience and Observation
I will tell you this, from my 33 years as a pastor, and now 18 years coaching people in recovery from addiction:
This issue of loneliness, or social isolation, is a
huge problem for men today. I see it everywhere around me.
Side note: Please keep in mind that it’s possible to be lonely and isolated even when you’re surrounded by people. We can have hundreds of “colleagues” and “associates” and “neighbors” … but no real friends.
And that’s exactly the reality for most men today.
Just recently, I spent some time going over my records, and
I realized that I've now worked with over 1500 men who identify themselves as either struggling with or addicted to sex or porn.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that out of these 1500 men, I can only remember TWO who said they had good male friends. That means the other 1498 did not ...
and most of them readily acknowledged that this was a serious problem in their lives. They might have a few people who were “sort of close,” but not really good friends.
You cannot make the journey towards mental, emotional, and spiritual health as a man without a band of brothers to support, encourage,
and challenge you on. And … as we talk about in the Renewed Man program, you cannot develop sexual self-mastery without developing this mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
The same is true for women. You need a band of sisters.
If participation in this Renewed Man program does nothing else for men, if it lights a fire under them to develop meaningful friendships, it will
have been worth every penny they spent. And if it helps you take steps toward that … if you find guys in your accountability group that you click with and want to get closer to … all the better.
