|
Although men often tend to focus on the physical part of intimacy, that's just one dimension of it. “Intimacy” is about full-orbed connection … relational closeness. So many people today struggle to build -- and maintain -- this relational
closeness. A key reason why so many people struggle is wrapped up in a word that seems to be "having a moment" these days: ATTACHMENT. It seems that everywhere I turn in my reading about psychological and relational wholeness, people are talking about
attachment. Wikipedia has this to say about attachment theory: "Its
most important tenet is that young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for their survival, and for them to develop a healthy social and emotional functioning."
Not long ago, Debby Flanagan wrote an article that talks about how our ability to connect in intimate relationships depends on where we are in the developmental process of attachment. She writes about how the experiences we had growing up either helped us develop healthy attachments (intimacy) or get in the way of it.
Here’s what she says: Intimacy is the result of attaching, trusting, and surrendering. Our capacity for intimacy was woven into us (“knitted together”) in the womb by God. Our caregivers then nurture us throughout our childhood experiences as we mature in our ability to give and receive
in our closest relationships. We create intimacy with others the same way our parents wired it into us. It is a process of nurturing. Our parents or caregivers teach us how to regulate our emotions by containing their own emotions. We come to the conclusion that we are safe when we enter into a
relationship. This type of nurturing creates a secure attachment where we are safe to trust, attach, and surrender (or receive their comfort). In this regard, we are being wired for our secure attachment with God as well. As we grow, we experience our parents nurturing and we mature through these five characteristics. When we don’t receive help developing through these characteristics, we learn to protect ourselves in other ways. We learned to seek safety in ways other than the comfort of a relationship.
She concludes
the article with the $100,000 question: How do we grow in intimacy? How do we experience it? First, keep sex in its place. It's easy to confuse intimacy with sex. Sex is part of intimacy, but intimacy is much bigger. Sometimes people use sex or pornography as a coping strategy -- a way to feel better, rather than build and express love. This leads them AWAY from intimacy, rather than building it. Second, if you don’t know if you are using sex in place of intimacy, try taking a break from sex for one month. Get curious about what feelings come up. Talk with your support group members or your counselor about what comes up for you. Obviously, if you are married, talk with your spouse about this break from sex before
making the decision. Again, a counselor can be helpful here. (NOTE: In her article, Flanagan's primary audience is people who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors, and therefore over-focus on sex as a way to build intimacy. If that's not you, you might take this recommendation with a grain of
salt.) Third, identify the messages you received about your value and worth. Consider writing down your story of attachment. What strategies have you been using to find safety in this crazy world? Flanagan says: "For me, I was raised to believe that I couldn’t trust men, and all they wanted was sex. I discovered that I had some control if I gave sex to get relationship. Sex was a strategy to manipulate connection. "Your story will reveal your vulnerabilities and triggers. Own it. Get curious about what triggers you. This is important to your identity. It will reveal the shame messages that keep you from intimacy with God and others."
Fourth, take God with you on this journey. You were uniquely created for intimacy with God. He created you with the capacity to have a secure attachment to him. Let the Holy Spirit renew your mind in this area and bring you comfort. We
may have been miswired, but we can go back and renew our minds with the help of God. It’s no wonder we turn to sex as a replacement for intimacy. Intimacy can be frightening. Consider this observation: when you made the decision to follow Christ, most likely there was a nurturing process where you came
to a place of trust as you surrendered to Jesus’ Lordship. When you believed in Jesus, Father God deposited his own Holy Spirit into you, becoming one with God. This becoming one was subsequent to your trusting, attaching, and surrendering to Jesus. This is the similar process of becoming one with a spouse in our sexuality. An intimate connection comes before a sexual connection. Fifth and finally, remember that growing in intimacy takes practice. As you risk being vulnerable and experience the fear that has held you back, you will begin to build the tolerance needed to contain your sense of safety. This is the practice of renewing your mind in the area of secure attachment. Growing in Intimacy is a lifelong journey. Start by reading through the five growth areas above and examine where you need to grow. Plant your first step there and invite God to walk with you through the uncertainty of life. You build up your capacity for intimacy by risking in the areas where you are emotionally vulnerable, all the while trusting God to hold you
together. NEXT ACTION:Today's next action is to reflect in a general way about
the experience you had growing up with attachment. (This is not intended to be an intensive self-reflection … just go with your first hunch). Do you think you came into adult life with healthy models and experiences of attachment? If not, have you done any work on this for yourself? (Talking with
a coach, pastoral counselor, or therapist? Self-reflection? Deep conversations about these issues with your partner?) What do you need to do this week -- and in the coming weeks -- to build your capacity for intimacy?
|
