I know a lot of guys who’ve tried to stop some self-destructive habit — like smoking, or drinking, or porn watching — and they keep failing. There could be many reasons for this, but here’s an important — and often overlooked — one:

Their WHY is too small

Why are you wanting to develop self-mastery? Why are you trying to stop your compulsive behavior? Why do you want to give up some destructive habit? Why are you working to develop self-mastery in your thought life and sexual activities?

This motive thing is really subtle — I’m going to make an important distinction later. But right now, understand this: 

If your motivation for getting better is just about you … your why is too small.

This battle is not just for your well-being … your well-being is integrally tied up with the people around you. Your struggles are harming your intimacy with your partner, if you’re in a relationship … and if you’re single, you’re harming your future partner. 

If you have kids — or will have kids — your recovery around this issue is the single, most important gift you can give them. Our kids are deeply influenced by what we do — what we say … not so much.

There’s an interesting exchange in the book “How Yoga Works” … which tells the story of how a wandering yoga teacher helps train a police officer, who’s struggled with a bad back for many years. As is the case with many things, the biggest problem in yoga is that people start doing some kind of practice and then quit after a while. They run into countless obstacles, and fall away. The teacher doesn’t want that to happen to this guy. So she quotes an old proverb to him early on:

“If you wish to stop these obstacles,
There is one, and only one,
Crucial practice for doing so.
You must use compassion.”

Compassion? What does that have to do with anything? How is that going to keep him doing the work he needs to do? How is that going to keep him from skipping his practice? His teacher puts it this way:

“This is something you have to understand. It’s something important. You see, you can’t do this, you can’t do yoga, just to fix your own back. It’s too small. We are too small. If we do something just to help ourselves, it will never work. You can never really put effort into a thing if it’s only for yourself. It has to be for something bigger.”

Then she goes on:

“Look at the way a woman will work for her children — look at the work they can do, twenty-four hours a day, day in and day out, for ten, twenty years. It puts your little office work to shame. And they can do it for only one reason — because they are not only doing it for themselves. They are doing it for others too.”

What about you?

What about this work we’re asking you to do to harness your self-mastery … especially in the face of sexual temptation? Do you think that this work has the potential to change the lives of other people? Like your partner — or possible future partner? Like your children — or possible future children? Like your friends? 

Think about this in terms of the mission you have in the world: How many things you could do, how many people you could help, if you weren’t struggling with low energy and a dark mood because you’re staying up late at night watching porn, or wasting time at work, or getting in trouble with other sexual encounters? What about the time and spiritual energy that gets lost as you struggle with feelings of guilt and shame?

Or maybe the area you struggle in has nothing to do with sex. Whatever it is, look at how it impacts not only you … but others around you. Even if it only damages your focus and energy level … in the ultimate scheme of things, that’s a big deal.

Going back to sex for a minute, remember this: Your sex drive is a potent form of energy, and when it’s squandered in the time sink of artificial sex that our world feeds us, we lose out on having its power available to help drive us to do the important work we can do. Not to mention how living in the morass of ongoing spiritual defeat saps our spiritual enthusiasm and confidence.

Not only this, but I’m going to let you in on something right away here. You have the potential to help other men — a LOT of other men — who are desperate for help to deal with this secret battle in their lives. 

If you can learn some things and make some changes, you will have a powerful story to tell and important wisdom to share. The goal of this program is not only that you would grow, and that this program will help you deal with your struggles — it’s way bigger than that.

The goal is that, after you’ve gone through it, and seen the difference it can make, that you’d turn around and help other guys that you know — friends, family, men at church, whatever — to go through it.

The missing link for many of us, in our struggles with this in the past, has been compassion. We are doing this not just for ourselves, but for others.

NEXT ACTION:

Now is the time to get personal. Who is being affected by your struggle? Maybe you think nobody is, if you haven’t been caught … YET. Think of what would happen — whose lives would be impacted — if you were caught. 

I know a guy whose relationship with his daughter was permanently, and irrevocably harmed by his pornography use. This culminated in a time she walked in on him when he was having a “session” with pornography. He wound up getting a divorce — mostly because of his sexual struggles — and his daughter refused to have anything to do with him.

(FYI: after working on his recovery for a period of years, his relationship with her was restored. One of my great memories leading a coaching group he participated in, was him reporting on how awesome it was for him to be reconciled with her and to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Recovery changes things!)

BUT … don’t just think in terms of things you might LOSE if you keep on the path you’re on. Think about people whose lives you can positively affect, if you do this work. Write their names down.

Are you willing to do this work for yourself? Are you willing to do this for them?