“Anger is an expression of inner pain — and an explosive cry for help.” — Paul T.P. Wong

“Miserable Man Syndrome” (aka "miserable husband syndrome") is actually a thing … and it’s so common that it has gotten a name. Here’s how a recent article (may be behind paywall) by Alexa V.S. describes it:

Miserable Husband Syndrome or Irritable Male Syndrome is when a man experiences hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger due to the decrease in testosterone caused by aging, andropause, certain medications, or abnormally-high levels of stress.

Though it can happen to any man — married or not — it’s gotten its name since partners are usually the ones who notice something is amiss. Or rather, who suffer the consequences until they can’t take it anymore.

Now, irritability here and there is normal. But if a man is experiencing a progressive and seemingly permanent attitude change, it could be a sign of a deeper problem.

What are the signs? What to look for:

1. Reduced energy levels and libido. A decrease in testosterone also leads to less sexual desire and general vitality. Sometimes it can even trigger erectile dysfunction, worsening the miserable husband’s stress levels until it becomes a vicious cycle.
2. Presence of the four horsemen of a relationship’s apocalypse. According to relationship expert John M. Gottman, certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are lethal to a relationship and often warn of its end. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (emotionally disengaging from your partner) — all common behaviors of men suffering from the syndrome.
3. Unhealthy habits. Despite clearly needing some self-care, miserable husbands indulge in all kinds of health-damaging habits, similar to when people binge on fast food to ease their stress.
4. Neglect. The spouses of miserable husbands often complain of a lack of attention. And sometimes, this neglect extends to the man himself. He’s too overwhelmed to care about his appearance.
5. Extreme mood swings. Relaxed one moment, grumpy the next. On and on, driving those closest to him to insanity.
6. No talk of the future. This topic can be triggering to someone who’s suffering either from anxiety, frustration, or any of the other emotions that affect miserable husbands. That’s why they’ll usually shy away from even discussing what they want to do on the weekend.

Overall, if you notice you have been consistently behaving erratically (and that this wasn’t the case before), it may be a sign you need help.

What to do about this?

This is actually where the article is least descriptive. Essentially, though, there are three things to consider:

1. DON’T try to relieve your stress and sadness by dropping into addiction, or trying to reignite your passion and youth by having an affair. And if you’re the spouse, don’t bail on the relationship, even though he’s a miserable person to be around.

2. DO get physical help. There are MANY interventions you can engage in to deal with lower Testosterone and increased stress. You might go as far as Testosterone Replacement Therapy, but there are a REALLY wide range of things you can do short of that.

3. DO get emotional / psychological / relational help. Interventions here can come on two levels: (1) getting therapy to deal with changes in life, and stress and dissatisfaction (2) getting therapy or other kind of support for dealing with family and couple issues.

Finally, there is one thing I also have to mention, as an important strategy for dealing with "Miserable Man Syndrome" ... even though the article doesn't mention it: 

If you have not already done so, join the Renewed Man Program. Go through the 12 Week Boot Camp, learning and getting coaching support to help you become a "High Value Man" (HVM) ... someone who is growing in self-control, inner strength, and the ability to deal with the ups and downs of life. In the Renewed Man program, we deal specifically with all the things this article talks about. We'd love to have you join us! 

Just respond to this email, and send an email to me asking for more information about the program, and I'll help you get started.

NEXT ACTION:

Today's action step is to pause and reflect. Ideally do this through writing down your thoughts in a journal. This one might be hard to self-diagnose, so talking with your wife -- or the guys in your Renewed Man group -- would be helpful. Do you suffer from "Miserable Man Syndrome"? Why, or why not? If so, what can you do about it?