“In a very short time in human biological history, we have changed from group-living primates, skilled at reading each other’s every gesture and intention to a solitary species, each one of us preoccupied with our own screen.” - Susan Pinker

In the Renewed Man program I run, we've identified "healthy community" as one of the non-negotiable keys to successful, lasting recovery. This only makes sense, because it's abundantly clear that healthy community is essential to almost everything that makes up a good life -- it's essential to our happiness, our spiritual vitality, even our physical health.  

I run several groups, and provide coaching support to individuals, using virtual technologies like zoom. These are great -- and have been a godsend to many people needing help and support. I don't have anything bad to say about these technologies. I use them all the time, and I find them really engaging and helpful. 

But let's be honest -- they're not enough. We also need to have meaningful connections with people "in the flesh." Face to face. This is not just something cranky old people -- who don't like technology -- are saying. It's a central fact of our biology, and we're being reminded of this repeatedly these days by social scientists and researchers. 

When we interact with people in personal, face to face contexts, there are important signals, exchanges of energy, and hormones released, as a consequence of these interactions.

Brene Brown is a researcher and author who's made a name for herself in both the psychology and leadership fields. She has a section in one of her books where she talks about the work of Susan Pinker, author of “The Village Effect: How Face-to-Face Contact Can Make Us Healthier and Happier” (published in 2015, well before COVID came onto the scene and made this discussion so popular). Here is how Brene Brown writes about Pinker's work:

Based on studies across diverse fields, Pinker concludes that there is no substitute for in-person interactions. These interactions are proven to bolster our immune system, send positive hormones surging through our bloodstream and brain, and help us live longer. Pinker adds: “I call this building your village, and building it is a matter of life and death.”

 

When she says “life or death” she’s not kidding. It turns out that everything she’s learned complements what we read about loneliness: Social interaction makes us live longer, healthier lives. By a lot. 

 

Pinker writes, “In fact, neglecting to keep in close contact with people who are important to you is at least as dangerous to your health as a pack-a-day cigarette habit, hypertension, or obesity.”

Who are the people you are relating with on a meaningful level? This is an important issue especially for men, who often wind up with lots of "associates," but no real friends. 

It's great to have buddies or work colleagues that you can talk about the weather or the game with. But who are you able to talk to about the things that really matter in your life? With whom can you go a step or two beyond just surface conversation?

If you don't have these kinds of friends ... it's time to work on building them. Maybe it's time to invest more in some of the more surface level friendships you already have, and see if these relationships can be built and strengthened so they become something more.