In the Renewed Man program, one of the keys we talk about that unlocks long term recovery from addiction is "Developing a Healthy Intimate Relationship With Our Partner" (if we're in a relationship). If we're not in a relationship, then the focus is on finding ways to get our needs for friendship and intimacy met as a single person. But since many people in the program are either married or dating, we spend significant time on strengthening this essential relationship. Here's teaching from one of the week's lessons on how to do this:

“If a man desired to know about automobiles, he would, without question, study diligently about automobiles. If his wife desired to be a gourmet cook, she’d certainly study the art of cooking, perhaps even attending a cooking class. Yet, it never seems as obvious to him that if he wants to live in love, he must spend at least as much time as the auto mechanic or the gourmet in studying love.” – Leo Buscaglia

HERE’S THE BOTTOM-LINE PRINCIPLE ABOUT INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS: 

A good relationship with healthy intimacy does not JUST HAPPEN. 

It takes work. 

It takes deliberate cultivation. 

It’s like cultivating a garden. 

We don’t exactly MAKE it happen, but there are things we must do. Plant, water, till, weed, etc. If we don’t — if we just “let things happen” —we won’t have a garden, we’ll have a weed patch. 

If we let things drift, they’ll drift in a bad direction. That’s how it is with marriage relationships. Things won’t get better unless you do things to make them better. 

In their excellent book “Happy Together,” Suzann and James Pawelski put it this way: 

“We believe in the importance of working on our relationships just like we work on our bodies at the gym. Fitness doesn’t come magically; it’s the result of sustained effort. And this effort needs to be directed wisely. This is why we turn to trainers for advice. And any good trainer will tell you how important it is to develop good exercise habits that can make it easier to get to the gym and keep going on our routines.

“This is true of relationships as well. Sustained efforts and habits are essential. And once we begin to see the fruits of our labor, and enjoy greater understanding and better interactions with our partners, we naturally become motivated to work even harder. Eventually, the hard work doesn’t seem to be so ‘hard’ or ‘work’ at all, but rather becomes natural and fun behavior we want to keep doing.” 

What work do you need to do in your marriage? What could you do that would build this relationship? Usually, it's not complicated. We just need to do it. To take the action to make our relationship better.

NEXT ACTION:

Today’s recovery action is to do two things: 

1. Ask yourself, “What one simple thing could I do to build intimacy with my wife?" Maybe it’s an obvious relational thing, or it could also be to follow through on some promise or action step that would be helpful for your family. 

2. If at all possible … Do it. Take that action step today.