“Deep, authentic spirituality is not an escape from reality. There are joys and sorrows. When we cling to either of them, we suffer. We want the joys to always be there, and to avoid the sorrows altogether. But there will be both. Feel them, accept them, and let them go. 

 

Be happy. Be sad. It’s the nature of life and our feelings to cycle through many joys and sorrows. Press through them deeper still, and know that all is well in a way that never changes and is never diminished. At last, peace.” - Jim Palmer

One of the 12 keys in the Renewed Man program is "Emotional Awareness." To overcome any type of addictive behavior, we must understand and manage the emotions that shape our daily lives, especially the negative ones.

While society often views emotional understanding as feminine and contrary to masculinity, this mindset is destructive. It leads men to depression and addiction. Lacking emotional understanding undermines:

• Personal relationships - understanding, owning, and being able to articulate our emotions allows us to get close to others
• Leadership effectiveness - leading others requires handling interpersonal dynamics
• Mental health and addiction recovery - it we're unable understand or deal with our negative emotions, we turn to addictive and destructive behaviors as a way to cope

Emotional awareness differs from being "emotional." Rather than becoming captive to our feelings, understanding and accepting emotions allows us to break free from their control and live more intentionally.

Many men limit their emotional vocabulary to "good" or "bad," occasionally distinguishing between sadness and anger. This is toddler-level emotional awareness, and it leaves them vulnerable to addictive behaviors as coping mechanisms for feelings they neither understand nor control.

Can we control emotions completely? No. Feelings will arise naturally - we can't simply switch them on or off. However, we can significantly reduce their power over us by:

• Developing awareness - naming emotions weakens their control over us
• Recognizing their temporary nature - like ocean waves, emotions come and go
• Building healthy coping strategies - understanding the emotion helps you find healthy ways to support yourself and deal with it

THE RAIN TECHNIQUE

The RAIN technique, developed by psychologist Tara Brach, offers a simple strategy for processing emotions. Think of it as a mental first-aid kit -- a series of steps you can use whenever negative emotions get too intense. (Note that I'm adapting Brach's acronym by changing one of the components.) Here's a detailed look at each step:

1. Recognize: First, stop and notice what you're feeling. It isn't always easy to identify the emotion. Push past the mental noise and ask yourself: "What am I really feeling right now?" It might help to use a chart like the "feelings wheel" (see below), which shows the primary emotions in the center, and breaks them down into more specific components the further out you go. See what emotional label -- or labels -- resonates with you. Don't judge what you find -- just notice and name it.

2. Acknowledge: Now, take a few deep breaths and let yourself feel whatever's there. Many of us try to push uncomfortable feelings away -- we've been doing it for years. Remember that this is what fuels our addictive behavior. This time, just let the feeling be there. It's like saying "Okay, I see you" to the emotion. Stay with it for a few breaths. Notice if you want to run from it or push it away -- that's normal.

3. Investigate: Get curious about your feeling. Where does it show up in your body? Maybe your shoulders are tight. Maybe your chest feels heavy. Maybe your stomach is in knots. Ask yourself some simple questions:

• What woke this feeling up?
• What does it want?
• Where do I feel it in my body?
• What thoughts come with it?
• How am I handling it right now?

4. Non-identify: This last step is key -- it keeps emotions from taking over. Think of your feelings like weather: clouds come and go, but the sky stays the same. You're the sky, not the clouds. Remember the good moments from your day, even small ones. Maybe you enjoyed your coffee, laughed at a joke, or felt proud of something you did. These reminders show us that no single feeling, no matter how strong, tells our whole story.

Try saying "This is a moment of anger" instead of "I am angry." Feel the difference? One puts some space between you and the feeling. The other makes the feeling seem like it's all you are.

The more you practice RAIN, the better you'll get at handling your emotions. You won't stop having feelings - that's not the goal. Instead, you'll learn to work with them better. It's like learning to swim: you can't control the waves, but you can get better at moving through them.