(Man looking at the only person in the world he has the power to change)

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in recovery is this:
We can’t change other people — we can only change ourselves.

That might sound obvious. But if you’ve spent much time in church, you know how hard it is to think and live this way.

Many of us have been taught in our churches — explicitly or implicitly — that part of being faithful is trying to “fix” people. We’re told to speak the truth in love, hold others accountable, or stand for righteousness. And while there’s a place for those things, we often take them too far.

We assume it’s our responsibility to correct, critique, or change the people around us. But the truth is, that’s not our role.

That’s the Holy Spirit’s job.

As Jesus said in John 16:8, it’s the Spirit who convicts people “of sin and righteousness and judgment.”

Not us.

Acceptance Isn’t Approval — It’s Trust

Here’s the reality: we don’t have to agree with someone to accept them. We don’t have to approve of their behavior in order to love them.

Acceptance simply means we stop trying to control what we were never meant to control.

When we accept others as they are, we’re not giving up on them — we’re giving them back to God.

Carl Jung put it this way:

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it.
Condemnation does not liberate — it oppresses.”

We don’t change others by judging them. We change the atmosphere by trusting God to work in their lives — just as God is working in ours.

Connection, Not Correction

Most people don’t need more correction. What they need is connection.

When we lead with judgment — even if it’s well-intentioned — we tend to create distance, not growth. We stir up defensiveness instead of openness. We shut down the very connection that could have made space for influence later on.

Correction is only fruitful under two conditions:

• When it’s invited — someone asks for your input
• When it’s your role — as a pastor, sponsor, therapist, or coach
• (And often, it's not even fruitful then!)

Outside of those two conditions, unsolicited advice inevitably backfires. People only grow when they feel safe, not scrutinized. When they feel loved, not managed.

Let God Be God

Judging others can also cut us off from blessings we could be receiving IN OUR OWN lives. A friend of mine once visited a 12 Step group I recommended. But he didn’t go back. He didn't approve of how some people in the room had a different approach to sobriety than he did. Instead of staying open, he pulled away, and lost out on the blessing that group could have brought him.

That’s what happens when we let judgment lead. We close ourselves off. We miss out on the help and healing we actually need.

Jesus challenged this tendency when he said:

“Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, and ignore the plank in your own?” (Matthew 7:3)

We don’t help people by hyper-focusing on their flaws. We help them by being honest about -- and diligently working on -- our own.