We are living through a time of major cultural change. Over the past few generations, the roles of men and women have shifted dramatically. Economic changes, technological advances -- especially around birth control -- and the redefinition of relationships have reshaped expectations in ways we’re still trying to understand.

The modern world offers new opportunities -- and new challenges -- for women. But it's also creating painful confusion for men.

What does it mean to be a good man today? We've all heard about toxic masculinity. But what does healthy masculinity actually look like? What does it mean to follow Christ as a man in this kind of world?

Those aren’t easy questions today, for a variety of reasons. 

A Culture That Requires Less -- and Forms Less

There’s a new layer to this challenge for men that we're only beginning to understand: How SEX is changing in our world. More and more secular writers are talking about this, but unfortunately we're not hearing much about it in our churches.  

For most of human history, if you wanted a sexual experience, you needed another person to experience it with. This served as a deep (primal) motivation for men to develop themselves, so as to attract a desirable mate.

Men were challenged to grow if they wanted to appeal to a good woman. There was a natural pressure to develop strength, responsibility, and direction. You had to work to make yourself as attractive as possible -- getting and staying in shape -- and you had to develop yourself and find your place in the world, so you'd be able to provide for and support a good woman.

The primal drive of finding a mate served to focus and motivate young men to better themselves, so they COULD find a good mate. 

But we’re now in a world where -- at least to some degree -- these motivations have been removed.

With the rise of easily accessible sexual content -- and now even artificial, simulated relationships -- a man can experience a version of intimacy without the effort, risk, or growth that real relationships require. 

Unlike ever before, today's technology of pornography offers an artificial sexual experience that increasing numbers of people -- especially young men -- are settling for as an alternative to relationships with real people.

This changes everything for men, and if it becomes widespead -- which seems to be happening -- it changes many things about life and relationships in a society.

It lowers the incentive to develop character. It weakens the motivation to take responsibility. It creates an illusion of fulfillment without real connection.

The data is clear: more porn equals less sex, and each successive generation is manifesting higher rates of sexlessness than the ones before. It's not that young people are coupling up and just deciding to wait until they're married to have sex. They're simply not coupling up. They're staying at home looking at computers and their phones in their parents' basement.

This creates a downward spiral in the emotional, mental, and spiritual health for people caught in this. It leads to passivity, isolation, and, for many, addiction.

So again, we come back to the question: What kind of man are we becoming?

The “Nice Guy” Trap

Years ago, psychologist Robert Glover described a pattern he saw in many men—the tendency to become what he called a “Nice Guy.”

A Nice Guy avoids conflict. He tries to keep everyone happy. He manages how he’s perceived rather than living from conviction and honesty.

On the surface, the way he relates can look like kindness. But underneath, something else is happening. The "nice guy" is often filled with hidden resentment. There's also fear. Often there's also a lack of clarity about who he really is.

You’ve probably seen this. You may have felt it yourself. It’s possible to be “nice” on the outside while feeling increasingly frustrated, anxious, or disconnected on the inside.

Being a "nice guy" often arises from insecurity -- a fear of being honest, of setting and keeping boundaries. You just try to keep the people around you happy. Over time this erodes confidence and self-respect. It weakens integrity.

And for many men, this pattern becomes part of the pathway into all kinds of addictive behaviors, as the "nice guy" searches for ways to self-soothe.

Strength and Kindness Are Not Opposites

This is where things often get confusing—especially for Christians. Aren't we supposed to be nice? Kind? Humble? Compassionate? Gentle?

When we look at the life of Jesus, what do we see? We see exactly those qualities: kindness, humility, compassion, gentleness. 

But I don't think we see "nice."

Jesus was humble, kind, and compassionate, but he was not nice. He was usually gentle, but not always so. He was courageous and direct. He was not afraid to confront people. He was clear about his mission and purpose and would not let other people deter him. When appropriate, he was not afraid to make people uncomfortable. or even angry. He would do what needed to be done, and say what needed to be said, even if that didn't mean being "nice."

The fruit of the Spirit includes "nice" qualities like love, patience, gentleness -- but also something stronger: self-control. And Paul reminds us in 2 Timothy that God gives us a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline.

So the goal is not being nice. But also just to be clear: there's another side to this spectrum that we also are called to avoid. It's certainly not our goal to be arrogant, aggressive, or narcissistic. We need a balance.

A Different Picture: The High Value Man

In our Renewed Man groups, we often talk about an alternative to the “Nice Guy.” We talk about becoming a high-value man. Not "high-value" in a financial, or status-driven sense -- but in the sense of being a high-quality person. 

A high-value man:

• Lives from identity, not approval
• Acts from conviction, not fear
• Brings stability into relationships rather than anxiety
• Leads himself before trying to lead others

He may be kind. He may be gentle. But his kindness and gentleness are rooted in strength, not insecurity.

A Framework That Helps Clarify This

One of the leaders in our Renewed Man groups, Jon Spadino, has helped develop a simple framework that encapsulates what this kind of man looks like in everyday life. It’s called the R.A.R.E. framework:

• Responsible – He owns his life and his impact
• Accessible – He stays present, even in difficult moments
• Responsive – He’s attentive, without losing his boundaries
• Engaged – He shows up fully in his relationships and responsibilities

A high value man is R.A.R.E. When a man starts living this way, things change in his life. He lives with a deeper sense of inner peace and confidence. There’s less anxiety. More clarity. More stability. People around him feel it.

Jon has worked hard to put together a document that describes what it means to be a high-value man. We've talked about these ideas -- and this document -- in our group meetings, refining the description.

Here is a link to the two-page document that defines and describes a high-value man.

Being a High-value Man Has to Do With Identity -- Not Image

We don't become a "high-value man" just by trying to change our persona. It's not about performing better, or trying to appear a certain way to other people. It's something that arises from within us. It's something we gradually develop, an identity that emerges over time.

Scripture tells us that Christ has set us free. And that freedom includes the ability to live with integrity -- without being controlled by approval, fear, or cultural pressure.

But that kind of life doesn’t happen automatically. We have to choose it. We have to practice it. And in many cases, we have to fight for it. Because there are real obstacles:

• Addiction.
• Laziness.
• Emotional reactivity.
• Fear of conflict.

All of these can pull us back into passivity.

If You Want to Go Deeper

If you want to work on being a high-value man, join us in the Renewed Man program. We talk about learning to live with self-control, and build our emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual health. It's a journey.

Take a look at this two-page guide that lays this out more clearly—including a side-by-side contrast between the “Nice Guy” and the High Value Man, along with the full framework. You can read it here:
 

High Value Man

One Final Thought

Being a Renewed Man is not simply about avoiding a destructive behavior. It’s about becoming a high-value man -- the kind of man who is grounded, clear, and fully alive. The kind of man who can love well. Lead well. And live with integrity—consistently, not occasionally. 

That’s what we’re aiming for.