I’ve been thinking about how we define and experience happiness. For many of us, happiness is connected to experiencing
“success.” It’s not about simply experiencing bliss all the time, but it’s also connected to doing something that has meaning. Accomplishing something. In my book "Not So Overwhelmed" I go into the drive that we all have to make a difference in the world, to have an impact.
But often, that drive to “accomplish something” gets clouded over by our over-focus on the
payoffs of accomplishing: accolades, material things. When our focus is on those things, our satisfaction diminishes. Think about it: how many "accolades" are enough? How much money, or material things, is enough? The answer is always the same, no matter how much we have, or have achieved: just a little bit more.
I love how Paul Pearsall puts this in perspective, by making
the distinction between sweet success and toxic success. As you’ll see, sweet success has to do with experiencing life with serenity in the midst of activity:
“Sweet success is being able to pay full and undivided attention to what matters most in life… experienced as a fulfilled and calm spirit that doesn’t compare itself to the happiness and success of others. It is characterized by an unhurried daily life led without the burden of the
drive for victory over others or to get more status and ‘stuff.’ It is being able to regularly share with those we love a persistent sense of glee in the simple pleasures that derive from being alive and well at this moment in time.
Put simply, toxic success is constant distraction caused by pressure to do and have more; sweet success is attending fully to the now with the confident contentment that enough is finally enough.
Overcoming toxic success syndrome is not a matter of giving up the good life, it is a matter of getting it back by freeing ourselves from the short-term illusion that so many of us now call ‘success.’ It is recovering from the social virus author John de Graaf calls ‘affluenza … a painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition of overload, debt, anxiety, and waste resulting from the dogged pursuit of more.’”
— Paul
Pearsall
What this means for people in recovery
In recovery, the achievement-oriented addicts have to learn to let go of their grandiosity and narcissism. Sometimes the consequences of addiction shattered their
careers, families, or reputations, and they were forced into "downsizing" -- both their bank accounts and their grandiose plans. Others might not have experienced such dramatic turns, but still need to re-think how they're living, not just whether or not they are "using." Regardless of what started the recovery journey, for many people, life gets smaller and more focused in recovery -- and in a good way: "I just want to stay sober and emotionally / spiritually healthy,
make enough money to survive, and hopefully help a few people along the way."
But over time, life starts to rebuild, and new opportunities come their way. Then they have to learn to do a new dance: staying healthy, sane, and sober in the context of a life that starts to get busy again. Ongoing recovery for achievement-oriented people
involves the hard work of balancing their need for peace and simplicity with their renewed drive to accomplish something great.
Can this balancing act be done? Yes. Is it easy? No.
