My work as a pastor and with Renew Resources is about unleashing people to live out their
mission. I help people live with meaning and purpose. It's not easy to do this today, because we have to overcome internal resistance, obstacles, and endless distractions.
One insidious form of resistance is merging together the idea of service and suffering.
Service doesn't have to be a painful struggle. I often remind people that service is a two-way street. I give, but I also find that the giving is helpful and renewing in some way for myself. If it's not, something is wrong. If it's not, my giving will not be sustainable. If it's not, my giving will create an unhealthy dynamic of moral superiority:
"Look at this great thing I'm doing for you. It's really hard for me to do this, and I don't like doing it at all ... but I'm doing it for you because I'm supposed to, and because I'm such a good person."
I work a lot in spiritual contexts, and in some settings there is an unhealthy glorification of suffering. People are taught to assume that doing things for others should be hard and thankless. Of course it winds up being that way sometimes ... but if that becomes the expectation, we create problems for ourselves, and often wind up alienating others.
Yes, service is hard ... but it's harder if you're stupid. So much of the suffering we experience in our service is our own doing. Yes, using our gifts to try to make the world a better place is challenging, but we make things worse when we don’t honor the limits of our bodies and souls. Yes, engaging in activism and service involves
making hard choices, and dealing with conflict, but we make things worse if we don’t practice self-care. Instead we wind up fatigued, reactive, short-tempered, and feeling victimized by our role.
Just because we're focused on living our mission doesn’t mean we have to be
martyrs.
Making a difference in the world is hard enough … let’s not make it harder. Let’s not glorify suffering, and delude ourselves into thinking there is spiritual merit in overwork. Even Jesus withdrew from the crowds when he needed to, and arranged his ministry in
phases of deep engagement, and times apart from the crowds and busyness. We should too.
Melodie Beattie has a great meditation in her book “The Language of Letting Go” that encourages people to let go of the martyr archetype. Listen to what she has to
say:
No one likes a martyr.
How do we feel around martyrs? Guilty, angry, trapped, negative, and anxious to get away.
Somehow, many of us have developed the belief that depriving ourselves, not taking care of
ourselves, being a victim, and suffering needlessly will get us what we want.
It is our job to notice our abilities, our strengths, and take care of ourselves by developing and acting on them.
It is our job to notice our pain and weariness and appropriately take care of ourselves.
It is our job to notice our deprivation, too, and begin to take steps to give ourselves abundance. It begins inside of us, by changing what we believe we deserve, by giving up our deprivation and treating ourselves the way we deserve to be treated.
Life is hard, but we don’t have to make it more difficult by neglecting ourselves. There is no glory in suffering, only suffering. Our pain will not stop when a rescuer comes, but when we take responsibility for ourselves and stop our own pain.
Today, I will be my own rescuer. I will stop waiting for someone else to work through my issues and solve my problems for me.
Some of that might ring true for you, some might not. That’s okay. Look to God for help in dealing with your challenges, but remember that God won’t magically rescue us from ourselves. We get into trouble if we don’t put ourselves in places where we can receive strength and grace (ie. if we don’t take time to spend in silence, in retreat, and in supportive community.)
Nobody will put the brakes on for you. Only you can decide to slow down and cut back on your commitments. Nobody will step up to the plate for your self-care if you are not willing to make it a priority for yourself.
Of course this is not to suggest that we become lazy and self-absorbed. We will still have to work hard. We will get tired. We will face challenges. But service to the world is more like an long race than a crucifixion. Except for extreme situations, it will tire you out, but not kill you.
