Here's an excerpt from my upcoming book, where I talk about the things that get in way of people living out their mission, or calling in life. There are many! I thought I'd share
these two in this newsletter, because many of the readers have come from my recovery website sexual-sanity.com, and might relate to these:
Danger #1 --
Addiction
Many people get sidetracked -- or get thrown out of the game entirely -- because they surrender to addictive habits that keep them from doing the important things they want to
do in life. During times of spiritual alienation and community breakdown, addictions are rampant in societies. And that’s certainly true today.
Current estimates about addiction rates vary, but let's
just use some round numbers.
- Let's say that 1 in 10 adult Americans is addicted to drugs or alcohol.
- Let's say 1 in 10 adult Americans struggles with addictive or compulsive behavior around sex, pornography, or romance.
- Let's say 1 on 10 Americans struggles with overeating to the point where it interferes with their life.
This would mean that
almost a third of the people in the US are struggling to control their use of a substance or behavior. These problems significantly affect the lives of their spouses, children, friends, and coworkers.
Tragically, many of these are people we desperately need right now to change society for the better are sitting on the sidelines, embroiled in their addictions. Whether it’s drinking, gambling, sex, food, or
some drug, here’s what many people forget about addictions:
They are a huge time sink!
People spend enormous amounts of time fantasizing about acting out (with whatever activity or substance they are using), preparing to act out, acting out, and then dealing with the fallout from acting out. On top of all this time loss, people struggling with addiction pay a huge emotional, relational, and spiritual price as their lives unravel.
Remember Jesus' teaching in Matthew 6:24), where he says, “No one can serve two masters ... you can’t serve both God and money.” Substitute whatever source of addiction you struggle
with for the word “money” here, and meditate on the verse. Does it make sense? Do you agree? I believe this is true: For the addict, the substance or behavior in question becomes his or her master. Everything else gets pushed to the sidelines.
In his Salon essay “Harvard and Heroin,” writer Seth Mnookin writes about how his addiction came to dominate and destroy his life. What he says about heroin could be applied to any source of addiction:
“For the most part, I was not thinking about [my writing], because when you are a heroin addict, the only frame of reference is heroin.
“What time is it? Heroin. What are you doing tomorrow? Heroin. Why are you going to the hospital? Heroin. What are
your plans when you get out? Heroin. Written anything lately? Heroin.”
Addiction not only destroys people physically, it destroys them spiritually -- it destroys their relationships, it destroys their faith, it destroys their self-respect, and it destroys their dreams.
Danger #2 -- Codependent Relationships
This topic is closely related to addiction, but it’s helpful to discuss it separately. Codependency means different things to different people, but I like how Graham White defines it: "Using a relationship to fill a bottomless void due to not feeling whole and loved as an individual." When we do this, our relationships deteriorate, because we over-function, become anxious and fearful, and often wind up becoming manipulative, controlling, and/or passive-aggressive. We don't simply want things to be okay with another person, we
need them to be okay, because if they are not okay, we are not okay.
Many people are so sidetracked by the drama of
relationships in their lives that they’re unavailable to serve other people and make a difference in the world. If you spend your whole life care taking for someone else, cleaning up their messes, shielding them from the consequences of their behavior, struggling to stay in their good graces, living in the roller coaster of their destructive emotions, what time and energy do you have
left?
If you over-focus on someone else’s life, who is going to support you as you fulfill your destiny? If you are not living your dreams, who will? If you aren’t fulfilling the mission you were brought into this world to fulfill, what’s going to happen to that
mission?
If your dreams are not being lived out, think of all the
people who could be blessed through you who will miss out, because you’re not doing what you were created to do.
Maybe you think that caring for another person IS your mission, and you struggle to identify what you are doing as codependence, because you feel that what you are doing for this other person is your primary contribution. In some situations -- such as parenting and nursing -- the line between care-giving and codependence can seem blurry. Maybe you feel that your true calling is wrapped up in helping someone else
succeed … or recover from injury or trauma.
If this is truly
your mission, then go for it! You will be blessed, and find a measure of joy and satisfaction in the work. Just beware of the twin dangers of care-giving: (a) losing touch with your own needs, and failing to practice self-care (b) doing things for the person you’re caring for that they can -- and should -- be doing for themselves. This tires you out, and robs them of opportunities for growth, responsibility, and dignity.
If you find yourself feeling used and resentful in the process of caring for others, it's time to do some soul-searching about those "twin dangers of care-giving."
"I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable
things began to take place in my life." - Melody Beattie
