When did churches become such hotbeds of conflict and division? When did that emerge? When churches emerged! In other words, pretty much from the very beginning. As we discussed earlier, relational conflict comes up so frequently in the New Testament Epistles because conflict and relationship problems were so common in those early churches. From the very beginning, these spiritual communities were struggling with conflict, dissension, and people being mean to one another. 
 
People may love God, and be loved by God, but they are also broken, fallible people. Even though people may have the Holy Spirit, the Divine spark in the center of their being, they also still have their ego (aka the “old nature” or “sin nature”).

I'll let you in on a little secret: The Bible says that followers of Jesus -- the ones who make up the membership of churches -- are called “saints.” But some saints are difficult. In fact, it might be more accurate to say that every saint is difficult at some point, in some context. It’s just that some are more difficult than others.

Spiritual communities (such as churches) are not immune to relational problems. In fact, in some ways they are more susceptible to having conflict and relational problems. Here are some reasons why:

While it can be good to have certainty about our convictions, it can also be a problem when we don’t understand and make room for differences. Some people seem to see everything in black-and-white. Should we have our morning services at nine or 10? Should our retreat be held at this camp or that camp? Some people take the black-and-white religious dogmatic approach even to questions like this. There is always a right and a wrong answer, there is what God wants and there is the wrong answer.

With that approach, how well do you think disagreements can be negotiated? They can’t. You’re either with me (and with God), or you’re on the wrong side. When you have people who have this mindset, it’s very difficult to have any kind of disagreement in a healthy way.

Of course, being nice is a good thing, but if taken to an extreme, it interferes with genuine relations by preventing healthy conflict. Some people struggle to know how to disagree and still be nice. Bringing up something that frustrates us, or something we disagree with, seems to disrupt the positive feelings of harmony. So we don’t do it and try to bury our bad feelings. Usually those feelings of confusion or frustration don’t go away … in fact they actually simmer under the surface. Then, those negative feelings either come out in indirect and hurtful ways (such as passive-aggressive behavior) or in some kind of explosive rage.

This is related to the challenge of always trying to be nice, but there’s a distinct element. If we don’t deal directly with the person about our hurts and frustrations, we still often look for some kind of relief valve. So often, rather than dealing with the person we’re frustrated with, we find someone else to talk to about the situation. This is often confused with gossip, but it goes deeper than just talking about someone. “Gossip” is where we talk about the goings-on of other people when they are not present. It can be innocuous or destructive. What makes it destructive is when we assault the character or reputation of the person we are talking about. This is usually what happens when we triangulate rather than face someone directly in a conflict situation. We “share” our frustrations about a person with someone else. We do this in an attempt to get someone’s sympathy, or to get them on our side.

Another result of trying to be nice is that churches frequently tolerate unhealthy relationship styles. Church leaders want to be nice, and so they often don’t confront church members who are triangulating or otherwise sowing seeds of discord. Sometimes church leaders tolerate unhealthy conflict because they lose perspective about issues. They get caught up in believing that if the issue at hand is so important and people feel so deeply about it, that it’s okay for good manners and respect to be cast aside. They give people a “pass” on bad behavior because they know how important spiritual issues are and how strongly people feel about them. But having strong opinions and sharp disagreement doesn’t mean people have to be rude or unkind. 

Sometimes churches tolerate members’ manipulative or bullying behavior because (once again) leaders are trying to be nice. They don’t want to exert their authority and confront someone about behavior that might seem of less importance than other matters which seem to be “life-or-death” issues. But dysfunctional behavior in church is very serious, because it disrupts the community and may push people away from the faith that is core to the community’s existence. Being nice to the bully or manipulator means we are being hurtful to the rest of the people who are harmed by their destructive behavior.

Many pastors and theologians talk about how churches resemble families. Some churches even refer to themselves as “spiritual families.” In that scenario, pastors are the spiritual fathers and mothers. Fellow parishioners are brothers and sisters. While this is helpful on many levels, the downside is that the dysfunctional patterns some people learned in their families of origin get played out in their spiritual families. Unresolved resentments that people sometimes have towards their parents get played out in resentments towards spiritual leaders. Many issues that people have with spiritual leaders can be traced back to unresolved issues they have in their own relationships with parents or other authority figures. So we wind up projecting onto other people the frustrations or challenges we have with someone else.

Sometimes churches can be hotbeds of conflict and relationship discord because the church leaders perpetuate this conflict. They do this when they are unskilled in conflict resolution and unwilling (or unable) to speak honestly and directly about difficult issues. If someone is not equipped to deal with a problem, they will likely be uncomfortable with it, and may be hesitant to deal with it. Some pastors are clueless about emotional issues and conflict in the church. They won’t step in and assist in bringing reconciliation, because they don’t know how, and they themselves are threatened by conflict. 

6. Church leaders are sometimes the cause of the conflict. 

Sometimes the hotheads and bullies in a church turn out to be the pastors or other key leaders. Woe to that church, because conflict and frustration will trickle down and permeate the community. Leaders of organizations need to have good self control and judgement. Leaders have the ability, through their words, actions, and very presence, to either generate or to de-escalate conflict. Unfortunately, some tend to generate and escalate conflict. 

In another section of the book I talked about the “fruits of the Spirit” -- results of the work of the Holy Spirit in people's lives. The list of the character qualities includes: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

Look again at this list, and think about how these qualities show up in conflict. Do they give rise to conflict? Do they make it worse? Do people who live like this generate lots of conflict? No.

If someone manifests those qualities, they will be a person who tends to de-escalate conflict. They will not be the kind of angry, prickly, self-righteous leader that we sometimes see who always seems to battling with the people around them. Churches should be wary of leaders who do not manifest these traits, and leaders who often find themselves embroiled in conflict should do some intense personal reflection on these qualities.