Science says lasting relationships come down to 2 basic traits

Published: Thu, 11/22/18

Renew Weekly

Thanksgiving Day!! 11.22.18

I equip people to serve God and others in a way that is both fruitful and sustainable. I do this through teaching, writing, and coaching. This newsletter is part of that work.

What you'll find in this issue:

1. A personal update -- lots of news!

2. Latest update about the book -- "Leaving Your Mark ..."

3. FEATURE ARTICLE -- Science says lasting relationships come down to 2 basic traits

4. Thanksgiving quotes of the week

1. A personal update -- lots of news!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you are having a blessed day. There's a lot going on, and let me share the latest news:

(1) I have taken a call to serve as the pastor of Bethel Church in Princeton, MN. I will be ending my tenure at Loop Church in Chicago, and Charlene and I will be moving to Minnesota at the end of the year. Things are great at Loop Church ... it was a very difficult decision to leave this ministry. In the end, a definite sense of call to this new ministry was clear. While I was ramping up for the launch of my book, we were also in the midst of this decision-making process.

(2) Charlene and I will be teaching in Thailand in March. We are going at the invitation of Youth With a Mission (YWAM) Thailand. We'll be teaching missionaries, counselors, and pastors about addiction and recovery, and I'll also do a separate conference for pastors about healthy leadership. We are not being paid for this trip ... it's a mission enterprise. We're going to be seeking to raise money to pay for our travel expenses, and to offer a gift to YWAM for their important ministry. You'll be hearing more about this in the future, but file this away for now: Thailand is a center for the tragic and growing industry of sex trafficking and sex tourism. It's also a country going through tremendous transition, and in the midst of this, there are huge challenges with addiction.

2. Latest update about the book ...

"I'm truly sorry for the any inconvenience caused by your title being stuck in publishing. Our technical team is aware of this problem and we're working toward a resolution as soon as possible. Thanks for your patience while we fix this problem." -- excerpt from email from amazon.com customer service to Mission House Publishing (on Tuesday of this week)

I'm really excited about this new book I've written ... even though the launch has been anything but smooth. The first book I published with Mission House went very well ... very smooth, no delays or problems at all.

But this time around has been a challenge, and it's still not done. The problem has been with amazon.com -- first being really behind in their printing process, so that the print version of the book was not available when it needed to be. (It's available now though.)

But then -- and probably even worse -- there was also a glitch with amazon's kindle setup, which apparently affected "a few new book titles", according to amazon. The book was sent to kindle on November 8, and it's still not available!

The publishing company I work with -- Mission House -- is a small company that offers greater flexibility, higher royalties, and more autonomy for authors in exchange for them being engaged in the process and doing things that a traditional press would do for them. So I've been in the thick of it :-)

So here's where we are:

The printed version of the book is available right now on amazon.com ... and you can get it here
The kindle version should be available soon ... and when it comes online we'll set up a one week sale for it at $2.99. (The print version is $16.99).

I'm concerned that some reviews are also getting held up ... as of this reading, only three are published. Remember that if you got an advanced copy, you need to write this in the review. Amazon doesn't want authors to spam the review process by posting their own reviews, or having their friends post fake reviews either. So they're very watchful of the reviews.

Bottom line: I am trusting that good will come out of this messed up launch process. I hope that many people find this book ... I know they will be helped by it.

3. FEATURE ARTICLE: Science says lasting relationships come down to 2 basic traits

"In their day-to-day lives, marriage masters have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other -- which all couples have -- from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage."
- John Gottman

It's amazing to think about how important the skills of relationship-building are to our lives, and yet how little training and teaching we get in them. For most people, the only "training" they got about how to be a good husband or wife was through watching their parents as they were growing up. Unfortunately, too many of us had poor models, and thus learned the wrong lessons.

For this reason, developing skills of healthy intimate relationships is essential for having a good marriage and family life. Leaving it to chance is not wise.

Here's a link to a great article, which profiles John Gottman's research in healthy marriages. You can read the article here. (Note: you'll also find a link at the end of the article), but here are some quotes to give you a sense of what he's saying:

By observing basic interactions [with couples in lab research projects], Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples — straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not — will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?

The "Masters" and the "Disasters"

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal—of being in fight-or-flight mode—in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger. Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other.

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters [of good relationships] have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”

Trait 1: Kindness (as opposed to contempt)

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.

People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.

“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

Trait 2: Generosity

When people think about practicing kindness, they often think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.

One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner’s intentions. From the research of the Gottmans, we know that disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her. But he may have just absent-mindedly forgotten to put the seat down.

“Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples Gottman studied was their inability to connect over each other’s good news. ... We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.

Article Source: Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

4. Thanksgiving quotes of the week:

"Thanksgiving day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest people; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude."

- E.P. Powell

"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."

- Oscar Wilde

"What if, today, we were grateful for everything?"

- Charlie Brown

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it."

- William Arthur Ward

Let's keep in touch ...

I write and speak at events as director of Renew Resources. I also am leader and teacher at Loop Church in Chicago. If you're ever in the area, come join us on a Sunday morning! Places to find my writing:

https://medium.com/@markbrouwer/

http://lastingleaders.com

http://sexualsanity.com

Also follow me on Facebook

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