Please note that the language below assumes the abuser is a "he." Petherbridge acknowledges that women are also abusers in relationships -- it's not just a male thing. It's just easier to use a consistent pronoun.
If you wonder if a relationship you are currently in qualifies as "abusive," please talk to someone.
1. Overly Charming
Being charming is a good thing, but when it's excessive, and/or inappropriate to the situation, it's often a form of manipulation.
An abuser quickly lavishes his newest victim with gifts, praise, and attention. She immediately become his whole world. The reason so many people fall into an abuser’s trap is because the tenderness and attention feels loving, and appears to be the romance we see in the movies.
2. Excessive Jealousy
The abuser views all other people and associations as a threat to the relationship. This includes parents, siblings, extended family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.
All the while the victim desperately tries to prove that they are faithful, but nothing works. No amount of verification of fidelity is enough for the abuser.
The irony is that the abuser often turns out to be the cheater himself. He has figured out how to use the accusations and allegations in a devious effort to deflect concerns about infidelity away from him and onto her. Abusers are often very intelligent and cunning.
3. Manipulative
Abuse and manipulation almost always go hand-in-hand. The abusers hunt for their prey’s area of weakness, then use it as an ingenious weapon of mass destruction to control and demean the victim.
One of the more common forms of manipulation in relationships is
gaslighting. According to a
helpful article on the topic from Psychology Today,
gaslighting is a tactic in which a person, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than
you may think. Whether through repeated denials or outright lies, the abuser will manipulate the victim into not trusting their own memories of events or instincts about something.
4. Controlling
Constantly checking the whereabouts of the victim is a common trait for the abuser. He wants to control every single aspect of her life. This includes finances, jobs, where they vacation, how the kids are parented, where they spend the holidays, everything. All is done under the guise of “love” and/or "protection."
5. Playing the Victim
An abuser doesn’t take any responsibility for his poor choices. He is NEVER at fault—for anything. Everyone else is to blame. There is no self-reflection or insight regarding his poor choices and how they lead to serious consequences. When he loses his job, the boss is too demanding. When he gets into a fight, he was provoked.
The abuser will stoop to any level to make certain he appears to be the sacrificial sufferer. If others would just do what he wants, how he wants it, and when he wants it, everything would be fine. It’s similar to the behavior of a two-year-old.
6. Narcissistic
This word has been tossed around a lot in the last few years. Dictionary.com defines it as:
1. a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish.
2. a person who suffers from deriving erotic gratification from admiration of his or her own physical or mental attributes.
Short version: “It’s all about me.”
The whole world must revolve around this man and his needs, real or perceived. No one else matters, and they become enraged when someone attempts to switch the focus.
7. Inconsistency in Moods and Actions
Mood swings are a common trait for an abuser. One minute he is happy and sweet, the next he is throwing a tantrum. Today, a person like this is often quickly mislabeled as bipolar. Some abusers are bipolar and need medication, but many are not. They are merely abusers who label themselves with a medical diagnosis which provides an easy excuse. This is much more simple than addressing the real problem.
Yesterday, serving him goulash for dinner was great. Today, the same meal provokes a rant that you are accusing him of not making enough money. Yesterday, he sweetly said, “Go get your nails done.” Today, after new the manicure, he accuses you of spending all of his hard-earned cash.
8. Being Overly Critical
Verbally assaulting others is a way of life for the abuser, and his need to condescend the people in his life is unrestrained. Underneath all the condemnation typically resides a fear which chants, “I’m going to get you before you get me.” For this abuser, cutting people down is what lifts him up.
It’s not uncommon for an abuser to have been belittled, molested, abandoned, beaten, or severely criticized in their youth. They learned how to survive by demeaning others. Condescending, mocking, and shaming are defense mechanisms.
The continuous barrage of verbal abuse and cruel insults eventually takes its toll. The victim begins to believe the heinous lies spoken about them. Eventually shrinking under the verbal whipping of shame, fear, and guilt, the victim no longer has the strength to reach out for help or say, “No more!”
9. Disconnection and Isolation
Isolation from family and friends is a key goal for the abuser because it forces the victim into submission. He knows that he can get you under his control. Your family and friends will likely point out the way he treats you and your kids; therefore, removing you from their influence is his goal.
He wants the victim to think that others are the problem -- not him. He’s the one that really loves you, knows you, and cares. They have an ulterior motive.
If he can create a wall between his victim and the rest of the world, his prey feels trapped. This is especially true if the victim is financially dependent, and the abuser is her sole provider. She begins to believe she truly can’t survive without him.
10. Hypersensitivity
The slightest offense sends the abuser into a rage. Others are always “out to get him.” This trait allows him to remain the sufferer. He always wants people to come to his aid and see everything from his perspective. No matter how wrong he is, or how badly he has acted, it is always someone else’s fault.
There are many people who are hypersensitive, but aren’t abusers. One of the common traits of an abuser is to be thin-skinned. Sometimes they are depressed, which causes a sense of vulnerability. What sets the abuser apart is that he is intentionally manipulating a situation so that his actions don’t have consequences. He is entitled to be treated a positive manner, even though he sees no reason to extend that courtesy to others.
11. Vicious and Cruel
A significant number of abusers inflict physical harm on children and animals, as well as a partner. When abuse escalates into brutality, it fuels his power to dominate the victim. This is when domestic violence enters the scene.
Rage now rules the home. The dog scurries under the bed, the kids sneak into the closet, and the spouse tries to calm him down.
All too often, verbal hostility morphs into bloodshed. He is so enraged by his entitlement that words can no longer do enough damage to the one he views as his enemy. Now the victim must be controlled by the fear of the fist, and beaten into submission.
It is crucial to note that when verbal abuse is tolerated by the victim, it frequently escalates into punching walls, throwing objects, and eventually physical abuse. Ignoring verbal abuse isn’t love; It’s dangerous and toxic.
12. Insincerely Repentant
Once he calms down, an abuser will swear on the Bible that he will never behave the same way again. It’s rarely true; he didn’t learn this way of coping with life overnight.
The wounds and instability that caused him to behave in an abusive manner are deeply embedded. Unfortunately, the root issues don’t disappear just because he says he is sorry, even if he is sincere.
Admission of the problem and serious steps must be taken to eradicate abusive behavior. A willingness to get therapy, attend support groups, and discover the why beneath the abusive traits is critical for overcoming and healing. Unless an abuser receives professional help, it’s unlikely the abuse will disappear.
