I'm doing something a little different for this newsletter: I'm sharing a feature article written by someone else. This article was written by Chris Loper, a behavioral change coach. I'm not quoting this because I endorse everything about him, but I do like what he says here, and wanted to share it.
Complaining is the act of talking about something you don’t like to people who have no power to change things for the better, when you have no intention of working to change things for the better yourself. Examples include describing how bad the traffic was or telling a friend about something annoying that happening at work. Non-constructive criticism is also complaining. Complaining is done with a tone that implies victimhood or unfairness. It implies that there’s nothing to be done
and you’re upset about it.
What complaining is NOT
Sometimes you have to talk about things you don’t like just to be open and honest with people, but this isn’t necessarily complaining. It’s all about your tone. For example, I have chronic foot inflammation that sometimes requires me to apply anti-inflammatory medicine to my foot. When someone who doesn’t know about my condition sees me doing this, they typically ask what’s going on. Then, in a positive, matter-of-fact way, I explain what’s wrong with my foot. I try to make it clear from my
tone of voice that I’m not upset about it, I don’t view it as unfair, and I don’t see myself as a victim. Of course, I don’t like that my foot has this issue, but there’s nothing to be gained by complaining about it. All that would do is upset the other person and, as we’ll see, bring me down as well.
It’s also sometimes necessary to talk about things that are upsetting you in order to improve your situation. When you’re hurt or sick, you have to tell your doctor about it. When you’re struggling with depression or anxiety, you have to talk with your therapist about it. When your partner or roommate is doing something you don’t like, you have to let them know. These are all examples of giving voice to the negative in order to make some sort of positive change. They are cases where, if you
don’t talk about the thing that’s upsetting you, it’ll never get better. And they are cases where you’re talking to someone who can help make things better. If the intention of speaking up is to actually make progress, then it’s not complaining.
When I talk about complaining, I’m also not referring to activities such as whistle-blowing, reporting crime, political protest, calling your representative, or writing letters to the editor. These are all legitimate means of speaking up about a problem that needs to be solved. Although they involve talking about something you don’t like, they are all ways of taking positive action toward real change and are therefore not complaining. It is often necessary to speak up about bad things that
are happening in order to change things for the better. The tone says, “This is wrong, so let’s take action to fix it.” Again, if the intention of speaking up is to actually make progress, then it’s not complaining.
Now that we know what complaining is, we can talk about why it’s so harmful.
Why Complaining Makes Things Worse
The conventional wisdom is that complaining will make you feel better. If you “bottle up” your negative feelings instead of giving voice to them, you’ll eventually explode in a fit of rage or have some sort of mental breakdown. Not only is there no evidence of this, there’s actually evidence that the opposite is true. Expressing anger makes you more angry. Complaining about something that’s upsetting you can actually make you more upset.
The most basic reason why complaining can make you more upset is that it forces you to relive an unpleasant experience. Instead of moving on and staying present, complaining drags you back to something bad that happened and forces you to mentally go through it all over again. Why would you want to do that?
A less obvious reason complaining makes you more unhappy is self-perception. Self-perception means that, whenever you do something, your brain will try to align your thoughts and feelings with that behavior. So when you complain, your brain will back up that behavior with thoughts and feelings that justify the act of complaining. You’ll think of more reasons why the thing you’re complaining about is upsetting, and you’ll feel more upset about it. Remember, if you want to master the feedback
loop between your actions, thoughts, and emotions, you should choose your actions wisely.
Complaining also impacts the people around you who, in turn, impact you. Your complaining might inspire them to respond in kind with complaints of their own. Your conversation will be focused on negative things, leading to negative feelings all around. And even if they don’t hop on the complaining bandwagon, your complaining will probably make them less happy. Then, because emotions are contagious, they’ll radiate that unhappiness back to you.
Instead of Complaining, Take Action
Not complaining doesn’t mean ignoring all the things that are wrong. It doesn’t mean replacing the complaining thoughts in your head with delusional, positive thoughts. It means acknowledging the bad, recognizing what you can do about it, and then getting to work, rather than whining about whatever it is you don’t like. Complaining is too often a substitute for real action. It can feel like you’re doing something even when you’re not.
When the problem is “out there” – something wrong with the world or something “wrong” with the people in your life – the best approach is often to work on yourself by changing your own behavior or your own attitude. As Gandhi said (and did), you can be the change you want to see; you can lead by example.
How to Stop Complaining
Enter Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister and author of
A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted. This book is what led me to this understanding of complaining. In it, Bowen challenges you to go for a full 21 days without complaining.2 Now, making it to 21 days isn’t all that important. What matters is the
effort and the self-awareness it brings. I never made it to 21 days, but I got much better about not complaining, and I’m happier for it.
The most eye-opening part of the program is the beginning. All you need is a bracelet, like a hair-tie or one of those rubber bracelets that used to be ubiquitous before Lance Armstrong was defrocked. (Bowen offers the official bracelets and other resources here.) The program is simple: Whenever you catch yourself complaining, just move the bracelet to your other wrist.2 Odds are, you don’t think you complain all that much, but you’ll probably find yourself moving it dozens of times per
day. In fitting with the stages of behavioral change, you’ll transition from being completely blind to how much you complain to being painfully aware of it.
Then you’ll begin an effortful process of resisting the urge to complain. This will be a sort of everyday mindfulness practice: You’ll need to notice your urge to complain, accept that the urge is there, and then choose not to act on it. The more you put forth this effort, the less frequently you’ll move your bracelet. Over time, non-complaining will become almost as automatic as complaining used to be.
